Saturday, December 30, 2006


Being sick and not having a big of dose from my muses as of late has made me listless. I'll get over it here real soon; but as the holidays have lallygagged by, there were a couple things that popped into my head that were not lost in the haze of booze and goofing off....

Why do stupid people die trying to stay warm when the homeless seem to get buy just fine? Maybe the homeless are on to something....

Speaking of homeless. How is it you never see a pregnant homeless woman? At least I never have....

Why does anyone use baking soda in the fridge anymore? We NEVER have done this and our fridge doesn't smell? WTF are you keeping in your fridge that stinks?? Stupid is as stupid does I guess. Then again I know that the elves clean our fridge out once a week. Arm&Hammer: Keeping the Lazy smelling sweet....or at least like baking soda.....

Size 12 is the new size 8. I know this for a couple of reasons. 1. The Mrs. has dropped from a size 14 to a size 6 in certain clothes in less than a year. It's more like a 14/16 to 10/8 but you get the idea. 2. I have gone from a comfortable Medium to "Holy Shit the small is too big!" WTF is with clothes? Oh I know...We're all getting fatter so they made the sizes bigger to make us all feel better. Whatever, I still have T-shirts from High School that fit just fine...

Was at my favorite Mexican joint last nite and wandered over the to boys room on the other side of the building. Is it racist for a mexican restaurant to seat all the mexicans on one side of the place and everyone else on the other??? I thought it was ODD...maybe it's just me. It was the side that was closer to the bar. Fuckers............

Saturday, December 23, 2006

From the Department of Complete Rip-offs

I'll go as far as to say the Mrs. gets her paychecks from a local hospital. When you see media outlets quote the nursing supervisor as someones condition is X, that's her. So as an 'administrator' they get nifty things every now and again. Last year or so were these nice fleece coats with the hospital's logo. NO one has these but the 5 nursing sups. Kinda kewl.

Not this year....With the non-anglos falling like flies to CO poisoning the hospital decided its staff needed something to help them survive the apocalypse. She came home last nite with a stupid looking backpack that says SURVIVAL KIT on the front.


This thing is such a waste. I won't mention the local survival retailer this was purchased from but I'll say it retails for $185. They're calling it a DEEElux 72 hour survival kit WITH MREs. I should post a link to the 1.575 MILLION dollar bunker they'll build you....not

What strikes you most as you come up on this waste of money is the fact it REEKS of gun oil. I mean it permeates the room! I've had ammo cases smell bad but this beats them hands down. And what do you get in this smelly waste? Let me run down the list.....

(15) Emergency Drinking Water Packets - Right, packets. I see these being spilled everywhere trying to open them. I'd rather drink toilet water. Oh and they expire in 10 months. TEN MONTHS!

(3) MRE Complete Meals - Yeah, can't wait to heat up the veggie burger in bbq sauce. EWW. Some food rations in 9 2" squares. I won't go into the details of the ingredients. It'll definitely be the end of days before I put any of this in my mouth.

(2) Emergency candles - Small. Tea lights would work just as well.

(1) Sierra Cup - Nifty, made in India, oh and you're supposed to be able to heat this over a fire. I might want to get the UPC sticker off the bottom first.

(1) Emergency Poncho - Yeah, like the kind they sell at football games for $10 but it's worth 10 Cents.

(1) Emergency Blanket - The cool silvery kind. Ok, this will go in the conveyance.

(1Bottle) Water Purification Tablets - Well this is cool. 2 pills a quart and there must be 30 tablets in there.

(2) Disposable Hand Warmer - Ok but if I have fire making materials why would I need this?

(1) Canteen - 1 quart - Well if it didn't stink of gun oil......

(1) Gloves - Great. Where are the other 5 pair of these cheap bastards. You know the type, they only come in packs of 5 or 10 pairs?!

(1) Eating Utensils - (fork,knife,spoon) - WTF are these? They fit together and come in a snap packet, oh and reek of gun oil. USELESS.

(1) SunBurst Flashlight - AM - FM Radio - with AC/DC Adapter - Another surprise. I wonder if it actually works (it does). I think it's funny that it's solar powered, being in PNW and all. At least you can hand crank it too.

(1) First Aid Kit - Wow, three band aids, tape, and a needle. Good thing there is duct tape.

(1) Nylon Cord - Cool, parachute cord. About 10 feet I think. Shame I have climbing rope in the garage. Kidding......

(1) Wind & Water Proof Matches - Why? you gave me a lighter?

(1) Tissues - Yeah a cheap no-name brand 25 pack. I needed some in my conveyance.

(1) Roll Toilet Tissue - Roll? My ass it's a roll. There might be 200 sheets there. We'd have it gone after one morning.

(1) Can Opener - GI Type - Yeah, smaller than a razor blade and twice as sharp. What a waste.

(1) Whistle - Ooh wow. Why? I'm not getting raped? (Ok I know why but my penis still wants to know.)

(1) Knife (Swiss Army Type) - Type, yes. Like? not really. I can't wait to break this. It's now in HER car :)

(1) Butane Lighter - Like the kind they give away for free at gas stations.

(1) Roll Duct Tape - Yeah, I've got 3000% more in the garage than what's on this roll.

(2) Waste Bags - Um, if it's the end of the world why would I collect my trash?

(1) Back Pack - Cheap kind. Will rip if you actually strapped it on because all this emergency water weighs about 5 pounds.

Oh and not to mention a catalog and other survivalist advertising. I especially love the CD with survival tips. Um, the power's out dipshit, don't think I'll be listening to this.....

Interestingly enough, I cheated and pulled the item list off the company's website and I noticed we must have received a "custom built" kit as we did not receive the following:

Magnesium Fire Starter
FM 21-76 U S Army Survival Manual
Pocket Soap
Small Stove & Fuel
Folding Scissors
Light Sticks

Fucking G R A T E great. Don't include the things I could actually fucking use at the beginning of the apocalypse. Typical hospital cheap asses. Wonder if they still paid the full price. Probably!

Though I'm somewhat disappointed as directions for any of the food are only in English and French. Not any of the 5 languages the beloved Seattle Times used in their flier on how to NOT cook BBQ or run generators inside.

I was going to go into what the instructions, yes instructions, for this kit say but my room smells of gun oil, and without any guns lying around right now, this sucks.

Time to go lose this in the garage.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Hey Honey, The Shag Needs a Trim

I thought about using "And the Award Goes To....," as in Darwin Award, for the title but what's the fun in that.

I'm sure you all heard by now the 1000 year storm wiped the Pacific Northwest off the planet late last week. OK it wasn't that bad but you'd think it was by all the whining and retardedness going on. I won't lay into the numbnuts who ventured out for nothing more than their morning coffee. People stooped down to eating sandwiches from gas stations. It's like the world really did come to an end. It was cool to drive through town at nite when everything was pitch black. I so cannot wait for the apocalypse!

But that's not why I'm laughing. There's nothing like a little diversity to normalcy to clean up our gene pool. Apparently a couple dipshits have died due to carbon monoxide poisoning. They were stupid enough to either 1. use a barbecue grill to heat their home or 2. ran their generator in their home.


Does lack of electricity and heat make people that stupid? Of course not. They were that stupid to begin with. Sad thing is another 100 or so knuckledraggers have racked up my medicare/caid taxes for having to go into the 02 chambers for doing the same thing or running their gas stove for heat etc.... Oh and at least one dumbfuck died in a fire set by candles....You know damn well those of us with insurance or 1/2 a brain had no trouble running our shit OUTSIDE and know how to blow candles out........fuck around people.

But really, at what point does running a 110 decibel motor in the living room seem like a good idea? You might as well bring in the mower and trim the carpet. When is heating the living room with a Weber grill a sound idea? Did the blackened ceiling give you decorating ideas? What I find TOTALLY hilarious is these are the paranoid types to spend the $50 for CO detectors and probably unplugged them when they started to go off. Go Darwin! Go Darwin! It's your birthday!

As the holidays draw near I'm not wishing any souls good will. You try and swipe my power and I'm shooting your ass.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

How to determine Homosexuality

Generally speaking my gaydar works damn well. Admit it, if you didn't know Doogie Howser was gay years ago, you're fooling yourself. But that's not my point here. When is it you see budding fudgepackers in their formative years? Would you see the signs? Tell you what, I'll give you a easy lay-up to understand.

The other day I happened into the video store to pick up some more movies to eye-patch. I ran into my good neighbor (We'll call him Bill). Bill just recently returned from a year stint in the sandbox of hell as he's been serving his country for the past 16 years. I like Bill. He feeds me beer when I cut our neighborhood's greenspace grass. Bill happened to have two children with him. They were NOT his. I came to find out they're his Wife's Friend's kids. She was away for a day and the Wife said Bill and her would take them but of course she went to work on him....

Bill asked me what the heck you do with a Boy, 10, and Girl, 7, to keep them entertained. He kind of had enough already with the hour just spent at the pisshole playland at McD's. I told him you're basically in the right spot. There's nothing better to keep kids entertained than movies. Ok video games work too. Luckily my 'lil miss loves to draw and color me pictures plus 'lil man digs his legos and capsela so it's not ALL electronic babysitting. Mine are about the same age so I knew where he was coming from.

Then from out of nowhere the boy comes up and says to Bill he's ready to go. I inquired as to what his choice was. "Guys and Dolls" from 1955. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK dood! I don't care if Brando and Sinatra are in it. Every drama club from here to Pontiac does that play and it's SOOOOO GAY. I give Bill the "um, what's with that" look. He rolled his eyes in agreement. I told future faggetti it was a little odd for a 10 year old boy to want to see that and he started in on how his auntie or cousin was just in the play and he HAD to see it again.

Yup. there's the confirmation. If it wasn't for the rosy cheeks and sweater vest to give it away....(BTW ever notice how many rosy-cheeked frat boys think a sweater vest and T-shirt is the shit?)....It wasn't he was forced to see it the first time but he wanted to see it AGAIN.

The young lad skittered off to find more movies and Bill mentions this kid does live with his mom and the dad is nowhere to be seen. YA THINK? Fuck around does she have him pissing while seated too? He came back with "Rikki-Tivvi-Tavi" in his hand. I said that was somewhat age inappropriate for him as well but let it go as it is a good flick and doesn't lend to the tossing salad types. I tried to get him to pick up something like "McLintock!" or "The Last Boy Scout" but he would have none of it. What young lad wouldn't benefit from seeing The Duke spank the heck out of Maureen O'Hara, oh and not to mention a young Stephanie Powers.....Yowzers! That'll take the gay right off.

As I reflected on the encounter later that day, I just couldn't get over the fact that the poor kid is growing up a gay pussy and it's all his mother fault. I guess it's one less pecker my boy has to compete with later :)

Take heed Moms, if you raise a pussy it's your own damn fault. I don't care how many cooking tips he'll give you. It doesn't outweigh the fact he'll want to marry a plumber.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Now Serving Number 78

Following up from the last installment I'd thought I'd share the ineptitude of certain people. I've been known to go out and tie one on every now and again and last nite was no different. I went down to my local dive for some draughts. Place was about 1/2 full of twenty-something hilljacks and the forty-something blue-collars sucking down overpriced well drinks. No bother, just wanted to suck a few back and watch whatever was on ESPN. What was I thinking?

I pony up to the bar and wait about 5 minutes before the fat cow behind it notices me. I order a pitcher of lite whatever and wait and wait and wait. She then comes back and wants to see my ID. Then she asks if I've shown it to her before (not going down the "I doubt you'll ever see my pecker" joke). I say yes as she walks away not even checking my ID. Couple minutes later I finally get my pitcher and she still wants to see my ID. Fine. Then she forgets one other little piece of hardware I might need to enjoy this. A fucking glass. OMFG. Couple minutes later I finally pipe up about it and she's like oops... Oops? Fuck A-around.

So about forty-five minutes later I've had my fill. I had originally given her my mastercard to start a tab thinking I'd stay awhile....yeah right. So sitting there with an empty glass and empty pitcher I wait, and wait, and wait. Finally about 10 minutes later she strolls up and asks if I want another draft. Hello, I'm drinking pitchers! Needless to say I said I was ready to pay up. She then is like did you give me a card? At this point I don't even want to wait for her to ring it up. Got my card back and slapped $8 down and left.

WHAT THE FUCK? Now granted this fat slor lost her tip in the beginning but could it have hurt to even TRY to make up for it? This is the kind of sow that thinks that by wearing a belt around her girth it gives the appearance of a waist. No honey, You'll need to drop about 85 pounds before we even begin to see one of those. Keep buying the junk jewelry, you're going to need it.