Wednesday, January 31, 2007

5 things you wish I'd have kept to myself

This whole business of meme tagging is like one bad spin the bottle party. So I was tagged by Lisa. This should bring an end to playing tag and leaving it to the children and graffiti artists.

1. I've GTA'd on no less than 4 occasions. Word to the wise: Never lose your keys. Never. I'll parlay the B&E, shoplifting, petty theft, and arson here and leave it at that. (OK, this was many years ago; but what mayhem have you ever caused? I'm sure it is zero you wuss.) Oh and by the way; never been caught..........

2. I collect porn. Lots of porn. I'm not talking the freebie 20 second low resolution shit. The internet is my ocean. Do you know what a terabyte is? NO, I don't watch all of it. I said, "I collect it."

3. I love the gray and brown squirrels, all the finches, sparrows, swallows, doves, quails, and ringed pigeons that come to eat of the wares set out behind the abode. But GOD DAMMIT if I catch a crow or a coon back there. I'm shooting at it. 9 coons in the last 12 months alone have met their maker. Murders are a smart bunch as only 2 bit it, but they don't come round much anymore...muahahahaaaa

4. I will use racial, gender, or cultural slurs to win, or put a stop to, petty arguments. If I had a dollar for every womyn I've met who said they don't BELIEVE in the word CUNT, I'd be sipping rum from pineapples on the shores of Fiji or American Samoa. Sadly, what the gyrls always mean to say is they don't believe in USING the word CUNT. It warms my cockles to hear it though. It's like saying you don't believe in Santa Claus. I always want to retort, "Do you mind if I keep using it though?" I've never had an instance to call a non-white person a nigger. To their face of course. Honestly. I've never have met one, nigger that is. Seen them on TV, but I digress. I've met plenty of white-trash hicks I've called nigger. Holy shit! They don't know what to do. One of "their own" just called them a nigger! It usually drives them to want to strike me; but then I usually see the realization on their face that by doing so, not only have the "lost," they will lose twice by begetting words with violence. (I need to go watch Blazzing Saddles RIGHT NOW!)

5. Anal Sex is boring to me. Yay. Great. It's different. Some really like it. Some not really. I can think of better places to put it. Even when I browse the porn, I don't get the fascination with it. Either the dude wants to or she's begging the dude to do it. Says alot about "pro porn" don't it?

Now if you've made it to the end of my words and don't want to ever read this blog ever again, I only have two words for you. Fuck and You. I don't write for anyone. I write for me.

Tag me again and you'll REALLY not like the "5 things about me" next time......

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Let's whip out the notebook

I missed my personal Friday deadline to write in this space. I write enough email in a week that sometimes I just don't feel like it. Though you would think that since I deal with enough retardedness in my daily life that I'd be writing a novella every nite. Be that as it may, I do keep notes on the stoopidness that passes in front of my eyes and across my windshield. Here are some of the things I've noticed as of late.

Remember "Rocky"? No no no, not some old clod with bad plastic surgery and wearing more make-up than a coked up Sharon Stone. I'm talking the 1976 "Rocky". It’s a good story about work ethic, family, overcoming the odds, etc. Remember the music? Who the hell can't remember "Eye of the Tiger"? I can still hear it in my head. Fuckin-A :)

Now I can't say I've seen the last installment of this overblown series of crap, but the internets have shown me enough that 30 years of culture evolution has completely messed with soundtracks. Why is it after 30 years that any movie that deals with sports in ANY manner has to have some sort of rap music in it? (I'm hoping "We are Marshall" doesn't, but won't know for months as I do NOT go to the movies) And before you say, hey Groove, XXXX doesn't have any rap in it, that's not my point.

Why does "Rocky Balboa" have to have rap in it? Don't get me wrong, I like to listen to Body Count's "Cop Killer" every now and again. Yeah I bought it when I was a senior in high-school and one track is on a couple of my homemade CDs in the conveyance. Again, not the point. Why is rap music used to convey emotion in sports movies? Oh, did you see the elephant? If you don't see it, I'm not going to point it out.

Let's stick with the sports theme. Do you watch football? Ever play football? I'm not talking about in the park. I'm talking suiting up and putting on a helmet. OK the girls probably didn't. So boys remember way back if you happened to play pop-warner style football that if you didn't have your chinstrap strapped it was a PENALTY? I don't have an issue with that. Let's see, the opposing players want to hurt me. I think I'll strap this bad boy up. Now think about the larger than life violent criminals now playing NFL ball. If you watch alot of football like I do, you'll have noticed the amount of helmets that come flying off week to week. What the fuck? Are these idiots too stupid to snap all the goddamn buckles on their helmet? Duh..... It just cracks me up to see all these wide receivers and star quarterbacks with only 1/2 their gear in check. You know damn well they do it on purpose. Yes, Mr. Barkley you're right and you are not a role model. I just find it very interesting that these knuckle heads are just goading chance to give them a life ending coma.

Have you ever met someone who played their college mascot? I've not met anyone who has. Maybe it has to with the fact that the business I'm in doesn't have boatloads, or zero, communication or English majors nor lots of Greek system folks. And before anyone who knows me chimes in, I'm NOT an English major...... Maybe everyone I work with was too busy studying to waste time on cheerleaders and public events. Which begs the question how does being a mascot shape you for adulthood? I'm pretty sure they're the cheery-type, dipshit, assistant manager at Staples who doesn't know USB from BASF let alone where they keep the ink refills.

I'll finish up today with another elephant in the room. I saw a commercial today for Nike. This has nothing to do with Nike, but I'll be honest, their add campaigns don't sway me in the least and I certainly won't pay more than $40 for tennis shoes. Since it's basketball season the commercial included today's NBA stars walking together like war veterans in silk warm ups across the tarmac. There were 10 players. Ya know, so they could play 5 on 5. The point is this, guess how many white boys there were? One. Steve Nash is now the poster boy/token white guy in the NBA...and he's Canadian....what does that say about the state of basketball in America? Sad really. I don't even watch it when it's in HiDef.

I'll have to collect my thoughts some more before I talk about tolerating intolerance. There is no need to talk about American Idol's trip to Seattle. It spoke for itself :(

Friday, January 12, 2007

Diamonds are a….

Girls best friend. I know the saying; but every time I see a brotha with gianormous kidney stones hanging from his ears I can't help but think how tarnished the mantra is. (Gee I've digressed a bit already….) The point here is within the last month I was lucky enough to receive a pair of these little rocks myself. Even watched as some giddy 19 year old wearing the "I can see your ass" carpenter pants pierce my other ear so I could wear the set. The mall is really good for one thing anymore, but I have a phallus, so what do I know (digression two).

I received these little buggers on the 1st day of the great 2006 power outage. For whatever reason the better half decided this was the day she HAD to go to the mall and get her shopping done. I'm not going to fault her. I just thought she was nuts. I don't think she was home 10 minutes before I was handed this little box with me thinking WTF did you buy? I'd been wearing this TINY diamond in my left ear for 15 years. Just big enough to be considered a diamond. I liked it that way. Guess she wanted me to upgrade.

Well now I felt like shit. I'd already been done shopping for two weeks (long live the internets). Someone was already getting exactly what she asked for. Doesn't matter what it was; not the point. I couldn't live with myself if my better half had smaller rocks in her ears than I did. I'd gotten her a set way back at the beginning of time when I think I was pulling down $7.50 hour at some shitass job and the diamonds were only twice as big as my tiny spec. It was time to play one-up.

This brings us to mall-shopping for diamonds. I was good. Went on a weekday. Got there before lunch. On my drive there I debated on going to Jared's Galleria of shitholiness. I'm not swayed by TV advertising by any means, but I knew I'd drive right by it. I figured if I entertain myself watching bad B horror flicks this couldn't be any worse and boy I was right. I walk in, I'm dressed in pullover coat and jeans. I'm not two steps in the door and some olderish balding dood with a loud tie accosts me and asks me if he could help me in any way or if I was there looking for something in particular. First word out of my mouth is, "Aloha!" Almost immediately the armed guard goes from looking bored and leaning on the counter to "WTF did he just say!?" What a tool. I was better armed than he was. Whatever.

I mention I'm looking for diamond studs. Olderish, loud-tie dood whisks me over to the diamond studs and hands me off to Stephen. Not Steve. Not Steven. Stephen. I'm asked if I want coffee, cappuccino, tea, soda, croissant, etc. No, no, and no. Stephen is wearing a lovely black silk shirt with a smashing, light-blue tie. His gold chain just popped around his neck and his diamond earrings were to die for. Ok I'll stop; but you get the picture. I don't think my hair ever looks that good. Stopping now. He starts to feel me (NOW YOU STOP) out on what I'm looking for and my almighty price point. To be honest I didn’t want to spend more than about $800 but quickly found I'd not shopped for diamonds in 10 years. Stephen shows me yellow gold earrings, white gold earrings, platinum "LEO" earrings. Ok the Leo shit was very nice and VERY expensive. We're talking diamond earrings people. The crappy zales earrings in MY ears look good. At about this time I notice some young, enlisted guy get waltzed over to the diamond counter. Does he get a fag to help him? OH NO, he gets the leggy blonde. I remember him saying he bought all is girl's jewelry at Jared's. 1. I'm thinking, dood, you can't afford this stuff. 2. She must really fuck like a monkey while you're deployed. 3. What a poor sap (I'm not considering this a digression and it's part of the Jared saga).

At the same time I was hemming, hawing, and reading the certification sheets (yes, I even deciphered quicker than fag-boy), Stephen mentions that any purchase over $1000 can be financed through Jared. I looked at him square in his tanned face and said, "Do I look like I can't afford this?" He didn't know what to say. I loved it. I told him I just didn't feel like parting with >$1500 for earrings I didn't think were worth it. About then I told him thank you for his time. He asked me my name. I faked it. He again told me his name was Stephen, no shit. That was that, but damn did I have fun.


Now THIS mall, which shall remain nameless (think near Seattle, had the lunatic shoot it up a year ago, and had the sista's throw down not a week after this saga took place), is run amok with gang bangers mixed in with slow-shuffling families. It's more fun than the zoo if you enjoy watching life go by and packing heat (THIS is digression three). Now I'd made up my mind that I was going to Gordon's Jewelers first. I've gotten other jewelry there and never came away unhappy. What a fucking mistake. I pony up to the diamond studs and the most hideous old bag decides to help me. I could tell the moment she came over she 'knew' I was a waste of time. Well honey if your diamonds weren't shit I might have made your day. Whatever. She's pulling out the crap and the not so crappy certified crap one set at a time. I'm looking, holding things up to the light, comparing sizes, etc. Then I FREAKED her out. I went to twist out my new diamond to compare sizes. I thought she was going to call the mall police. Needless to say, my crappy zales diamond was nicer than anything they had at the bigger size I wanted. Well that sucked, but the look on her face was priceless.

I wandered the mall watching all the pimps and hos while trying to find a not-so-mallish jewelry store. You have to realize there must be 15 of these deathtraps in the place not including the crap they sell in the department stores. I'm getting to the point that I must head back south and start this hunt over when I stroll past Whitehall Co. I think the only reason I stopped was because they had the 20% off sign where you could see it by walking by and not have to be conned into it. Their studs are right on the outer edge so I don't have to walk in. It must have taken a good MINUTE before anyone bothered (helped) me. I like that. Some non-assuming, this-is-the-only-job-I-can-get-as-I-have-ZERO-skills, 20-something gal asks if I need any help. Well I'm looking closely at the diamond studs darling, what do you think? I didn't, but you get the picture. I start small, working my way up from mid-crap to big crap then onto mid-cert to big-cert. Then I see a pair in the next counter. They looked HUGE, but we're only 3/4 T.W. I love it when I find diamonds cut wide and not tall. I looked at these for over 5 minutes. I compared them to the others I'd been looking at. They weren't 'cheap' but on par with about everything else at 3.4 T.W. I'd looked at that day. She calculates the sale price off the sticker, not "bad", then says she'll take another $100 off. Sold. I know it's a game. She was the first to play it with me, she wins. I just couldn't believe I found certified, 3/4 carat diamonds cut that way. I politely decline their credit and she's off to pack everything up for me.

You'd think this little ditty was over, but NOOOOO. She fucking drops one of the backs onto the carpet behind the counter and can't find it!! She get's help. Can't find it. I finally stretch over the swinging door, scan the floor and find the damn thing in 10 seconds. I'll be damned if she was going to replace the platinum backing with something else. She must have been too busy calculating her commission. Did I mention the no skills part?

Needless to say someone was VERY happy and I just had to share the story.

And I only said "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" three times :)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Believe it or Not,

I'm Walking on Air.........

Yeah only the greatest amurakin hero would be dumb enough to emulate something they saw on TV. What the fuck is with these kids who think a hanging is something to be tried out back? I always thought it was funny when kids would pretend to be WWF wrestlers, jumping off roofs, etc; but who in their right mind would tie a cord around their neck for fun? I hear the gene pool rising again :)

Speaking of myopic decisions....WTF is wrong with home depot? Level growth gets you a $200M golden parachute? Ya know the real reason why HD sales have leveled off is because of the COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS they hire to wander the aisles not helping people. What is with hiring divorced mothers of 3 and men who don't know a nut from a snow shovel to answer home improvement questions? When I need a 5/16" zinc coated eye bolt, I want to know where the fuck the 5/16" zinc coated eye bolts are. When I want to know the price of a fucking water heater sitting in the aisle why does it take an act of congress and 4 sales people to fucking find out? I stopped going to Lowes when HD got closer....I should waste the gas. Don't even get me started about the fact they only have one fucking register open most of the day.