Wednesday, May 30, 2007

What's in a meme?

What the hell is a meme anyway? Supposedly it's a unit of cultural information. At moron level it seems to be a specific internet phenomena. Somewhere else I saw it's an "idea" that can replicate like genes. All nice definitions. What the FUCK does that have to do with answering lists of questions whether you like the color blue or want anal in the shower on Thursday afternoons? How is a list of random questions a phenomena? It certainly is cultural. It proves the decline is really upon us. Spreading like a gene. Shaaariiight.....I can copy and paste too. People can't even agree on how to pronounce the word!

Now don't try and feed me the shit that it's a way for bloggers to get to know each other. Bullshit. Read the other fucking stuff they write. Read their FAQs. You'd learn more I'd bet. "Oh but Groove, they're fun to do." Bullshit. Fun? Watching your children grow up is "Fun". Writing down the first word you think of when you see a picture of an otter spray painted green is for CHILDREN. This is more of "I don't what to write about today so I'd like to tell you about my favorite coffee and what movie star I get a kick out of seeing shitfaced."

There's a reason I refuse to do these fucking things. It's a waste of brainpower. If you can't take the 10 minutes to tell me how miserable of an existence you lead, don't bother with canned hash. If you can't put forth actual thought, go get your remote control and diapers then prepare to be marginalized. This is why your kids sit in front of the TV all fucking day. Even you can't be bothered with more than 37 seconds of rational thinking. Go flip on Rachel Ray, I'm sure she'll have an opinion you can wrap your legs around. She's not even a trained chef....there, I learned you something today.

This is why they really hate us.....Fuck Around.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

If I left myself a voice message on my mobile.....

This MUST be important...

"Cryogenic Dick Freezing. Watch out for that shit....."

Fuck knows why I said that. Probably saw some weird dildo add or article on bluehairs preserving their companion's johnson for all of eternity.

Maybe if an 86 year old cave of a snatch gets some blindingly cold manhood sliding in, the feeling all comes back.

What do I know...I was drunk.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Unintended Behavior

Like the old sot everyone knows sitting at the end of the bar, I'm a video store whore. I'm such a video store whore that just about all of the 20-somethings working there know me by name. I'm such a video whore that I hear "Hi Groove" before the front door closes behind me. Such a whore I'm in there 6 or 7 days a week bringing home over 20 movies a week. Why you ask? If you can't figure it out, I'm not giving you any clues. I make my trip everyday with a skip in my step because it's fun learning all about the folks working there. It's better than watching "Clerks", "Mall Rats", and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" all in the same day.

First we have "Shorty". This little Southern fireball became the store "director" this spring. God love her; she's really cute, but dumb as nails. It's silly to see her cover her forearm tattoo with a wristband. What sets the standard though is how a true, dark brunette can get away with hooker-blue eye-shadow everyday. Ok, not really... I've given her more advice on how to run that store it's sick. Why Groove gets asked these things I really don't know. Why do I know all about her 4 year old, her ex-baby daddy and all this other crap? Must be the hypnotic effect of hooker-blue eye-shadow.

Next we have "Superman". This mid-20-something, 1991 Camero-TTops-driving, community-college-going string bean is a trip. He secretly lusts after Shorty and I noticed him trying to make some plays when Shorty kicked out baby-daddy, but have seen nothing since. This boy LOVES superman. Wanna know how much the Superman DVD box set costs or when it was released? I do, but I wish I didn't. He even wore the balloon muscle suit for Halloween. I had high hopes for Superman until I saw the Camero. Sorry My boy, you just lost your street-cred with me. I don't even think Groove could get play in that ride.

That brings us to the "Bearded Man-lady". This monster is your typical video store clerk. No salesmanship, no affect, no horseplay bone in his body, Coke-bottle glasses, and thick-ass, Jet-black hair that goes all the way down his neck. That boy has a kevlar-strength beard. You might wonder why I said "monster" earlier. Let's just say he goes about 6'4"-250lbs. It's a shame he looks like a video store clerk.

Then we have the two "BTRAs". BTRA stands for Big Tits, Round Asses. I picked it up off some website I used to rape everyday until my stolen password stopped working. Now believe me, a BTRA doesn't have to be some apple-bottomed, Salma Hayek looking bombshell. Oh no..... This adage runs the full gamut. I'll let you guess where these two fit in. Ok, not at the Wal-Mart end, but ooof there's some cushion going on. Now that you think Groove's a complete troll for typing that out, I'll deliver my response. As I have a penchant for hooker-blue, I have some weird DNA stand forcing me to talk to these two. And what does it get me? It gets me a "Hiiiiiiiiiiiee Groove, how are you?" every time I walk in the door. The fact that one of them has a new hair color each week that gets noticed with a "Wouldja pick a color already?!" probably doesn't help me; but hey, it makes the visit more fun. Granted saying "Aloha, Guten Tag, Wie Gehts?, Hi Girls, Bonjour, or Ciao" when I enter and exit the place don't help neither.

Now that I've completely tagged myself a misogynist, let's talk about the two "Hotties"! First there's the hot blonde. She knows me by name as well (this all will explained WHY later). I should find out what brand khakis she wears and get a couple dozen for the Mrs. Oh-me-OH-my!!! I found out at some point she played a lot of golf. Even I'd stop on the LPGA telecast if I knew she was knocking balls around. The other Hottie is Asia. No, not Asia the continent. Asia as in OzzyA. Yeah I know, it took me three trips to get it right, but we learned each others' names that way. She must be barely 19. Cute as a button and naive as a spring pig ($1 who knows what the reference is referring to). One day the topic of spring break came up. Shorty, the BRTAs and OzzyA were there. OzzyA was ringing me up while everyone was talking about what they do/used to do on spring break. I looked at OzzyA straight faced and called bullshit: that she probably liked drinks in oversized glasses, beads, enjoying the comforts of luxurious land-yachts with other girls while there's a video camera handy. Everyone within earshot knew I meant "Girls, Gone, Wild." Not Ozzya. Without missing a beat she said, "No, I'm a good girl." Oh the laughter. I had to leave the store..........We still chat each other up though if she's working.

There's a handful of other misfits and retards who work there, but they're no fun. No fun whatsoever. If they're the only ones working: I get in, I get movies, and I get out.

What does all this mind play get me? Besides being on first name terms with OzzyA, it got me my own alias in their database. I waltz up and instead of being asked for my phone number, ID, firstborn etc., I usually don't have to say a word. I just get rung up and that's that! My phone number is "Groove". I get a kick out of fucking with newer misfits when they ask me for my phone number and I say "Groove". They get that glazed look. I have to tell them to type "Groove" into the phone number box on their screen and my account will pop up. "Really, my number won't work." I always get the obligatory, "Can I see your ID?" I always respond to with, "I'm sure you CAN see my ID. You look as though you have sight." Yes I get the blank stare and whip it out anyway....It's fun though if someone knows me they'll jump in and just be like, "This is Groove! Remember him!"

I so love my DVD disease. It must be time to get over there. It's been 23 hours!

Maybe next time I'll discuss the Liquor Store BTRA at the Wal-Mart end of the scale who always forces me to completely take my ID out of my wallet's window-flap; but that's a story for another day. Oh hell I can't tell that story. Just thinking about that slor with the cheese grater face full of purple rouge makes by BP go up!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I call BS

Have you seen that radioshack ad for the 20ish dood who has like 1000 RECORDS? His girlfriend is pissed that the place is a mess and is on her way to what assumes is a biz trip and tells him they'll talk when she comes back. While she's gone he apparently rips lots/ALL records to MP3 and when she returns there's just a MP3 player and docking stereo for it sitting there...

This is a BUNCH OF SHIT !!

1. Ever meet anyone under 35 with more than 10 records? Ok maybe there's 4 of them.

2. Ever meet anyone under 35 with a decent record player? Ok maybe 3 of those 4.

3. IF, and only if, there are those type of people out there, do you honestly think they have the time and inclination to rip all them records??

4. If there are more than 4 of those audiophiles out there that age, do you honestly think they slum for MP3 players at radioshack? PUHleeze

This ad is wrong on so many levels it's offensive.

Ok I'd nail Penelope but that's not the point....