Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Unintended Behavior

Like the old sot everyone knows sitting at the end of the bar, I'm a video store whore. I'm such a video store whore that just about all of the 20-somethings working there know me by name. I'm such a video whore that I hear "Hi Groove" before the front door closes behind me. Such a whore I'm in there 6 or 7 days a week bringing home over 20 movies a week. Why you ask? If you can't figure it out, I'm not giving you any clues. I make my trip everyday with a skip in my step because it's fun learning all about the folks working there. It's better than watching "Clerks", "Mall Rats", and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" all in the same day.

First we have "Shorty". This little Southern fireball became the store "director" this spring. God love her; she's really cute, but dumb as nails. It's silly to see her cover her forearm tattoo with a wristband. What sets the standard though is how a true, dark brunette can get away with hooker-blue eye-shadow everyday. Ok, not really... I've given her more advice on how to run that store it's sick. Why Groove gets asked these things I really don't know. Why do I know all about her 4 year old, her ex-baby daddy and all this other crap? Must be the hypnotic effect of hooker-blue eye-shadow.

Next we have "Superman". This mid-20-something, 1991 Camero-TTops-driving, community-college-going string bean is a trip. He secretly lusts after Shorty and I noticed him trying to make some plays when Shorty kicked out baby-daddy, but have seen nothing since. This boy LOVES superman. Wanna know how much the Superman DVD box set costs or when it was released? I do, but I wish I didn't. He even wore the balloon muscle suit for Halloween. I had high hopes for Superman until I saw the Camero. Sorry My boy, you just lost your street-cred with me. I don't even think Groove could get play in that ride.

That brings us to the "Bearded Man-lady". This monster is your typical video store clerk. No salesmanship, no affect, no horseplay bone in his body, Coke-bottle glasses, and thick-ass, Jet-black hair that goes all the way down his neck. That boy has a kevlar-strength beard. You might wonder why I said "monster" earlier. Let's just say he goes about 6'4"-250lbs. It's a shame he looks like a video store clerk.

Then we have the two "BTRAs". BTRA stands for Big Tits, Round Asses. I picked it up off some website I used to rape everyday until my stolen password stopped working. Now believe me, a BTRA doesn't have to be some apple-bottomed, Salma Hayek looking bombshell. Oh no..... This adage runs the full gamut. I'll let you guess where these two fit in. Ok, not at the Wal-Mart end, but ooof there's some cushion going on. Now that you think Groove's a complete troll for typing that out, I'll deliver my response. As I have a penchant for hooker-blue, I have some weird DNA stand forcing me to talk to these two. And what does it get me? It gets me a "Hiiiiiiiiiiiee Groove, how are you?" every time I walk in the door. The fact that one of them has a new hair color each week that gets noticed with a "Wouldja pick a color already?!" probably doesn't help me; but hey, it makes the visit more fun. Granted saying "Aloha, Guten Tag, Wie Gehts?, Hi Girls, Bonjour, or Ciao" when I enter and exit the place don't help neither.

Now that I've completely tagged myself a misogynist, let's talk about the two "Hotties"! First there's the hot blonde. She knows me by name as well (this all will explained WHY later). I should find out what brand khakis she wears and get a couple dozen for the Mrs. Oh-me-OH-my!!! I found out at some point she played a lot of golf. Even I'd stop on the LPGA telecast if I knew she was knocking balls around. The other Hottie is Asia. No, not Asia the continent. Asia as in OzzyA. Yeah I know, it took me three trips to get it right, but we learned each others' names that way. She must be barely 19. Cute as a button and naive as a spring pig ($1 who knows what the reference is referring to). One day the topic of spring break came up. Shorty, the BRTAs and OzzyA were there. OzzyA was ringing me up while everyone was talking about what they do/used to do on spring break. I looked at OzzyA straight faced and called bullshit: that she probably liked drinks in oversized glasses, beads, enjoying the comforts of luxurious land-yachts with other girls while there's a video camera handy. Everyone within earshot knew I meant "Girls, Gone, Wild." Not Ozzya. Without missing a beat she said, "No, I'm a good girl." Oh the laughter. I had to leave the store..........We still chat each other up though if she's working.

There's a handful of other misfits and retards who work there, but they're no fun. No fun whatsoever. If they're the only ones working: I get in, I get movies, and I get out.

What does all this mind play get me? Besides being on first name terms with OzzyA, it got me my own alias in their database. I waltz up and instead of being asked for my phone number, ID, firstborn etc., I usually don't have to say a word. I just get rung up and that's that! My phone number is "Groove". I get a kick out of fucking with newer misfits when they ask me for my phone number and I say "Groove". They get that glazed look. I have to tell them to type "Groove" into the phone number box on their screen and my account will pop up. "Really, my number won't work." I always get the obligatory, "Can I see your ID?" I always respond to with, "I'm sure you CAN see my ID. You look as though you have sight." Yes I get the blank stare and whip it out anyway....It's fun though if someone knows me they'll jump in and just be like, "This is Groove! Remember him!"

I so love my DVD disease. It must be time to get over there. It's been 23 hours!

Maybe next time I'll discuss the Liquor Store BTRA at the Wal-Mart end of the scale who always forces me to completely take my ID out of my wallet's window-flap; but that's a story for another day. Oh hell I can't tell that story. Just thinking about that slor with the cheese grater face full of purple rouge makes by BP go up!


Blogger Lisa said...

You gotta take me with you wanna these times so I can witness the insanity in person.

5/15/07, 7:24 PM  
Anonymous Liss said...

It sounds like your video store is much like mine.

how many dvd's do you have these days Groovy Groove?

I'm anxiously awaiting the liquor store story

5/15/07, 9:03 PM  
Anonymous Stacie said...

You're a hoot. I want to see these people, too.

5/18/07, 7:58 AM  

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