Friday, February 09, 2007

I take notes when I'm drunk

Yeah it's been awhile. So sue me. I can afford a better lawyer and would continuance your ass into oblivion. I just haven't had the gumption to write anything for awhile. Work nuts. Little sleep. Ruining my body. All those good things. To say Groove hasn't had the gumption to rant is an understatement. Then again I was pretty good at it every night at 0100hrs, but not a very good typist at that point...

So in another effort to clear out my notebook I'll enlighten you with the couple-four things I've noticed the past days.

I'm sick and fucking tired of ads for natural male enhancement. I really couldn't give less of a shit if your boyfriend's, your husband's, your partner’s, or your own johnson isn't cutting it. For allah's sake I thought it was how you used it, not how big it was. Granted I like to think I got enough, but whatever. I'd rather enjoy sitting around high all day on pain meds than hope I remembered to take my male enhancement pills. Have you ever actually gone and found out how much this shit costs? Some of them, won't mention any brands, are $90 for a one MONTH supply. Yes I went and looked. Oh and of course it's on the AOL “charge your credit card monthly, don't think about canceling us plan”. This stuff is nothing more than herbal viagra. Does kind of the same thing as viagra; but it's not as potent so you have to take the shit every damn day. I think what pisses me off more than anything are the ads for enzyte. That fucking smiling tool and his "I wouldn't fuck that with a stolen dick" wife is what pushes me over the edge. Having the biggest hard-on never got me anywhere in a business deal, key party, pool party, golf game (ok I don't golf), race, or any other competitive arena. I don’t think my friends care if I have a big pole either. I'll stick with my vitamins and unabashed sex drive. Thanks anyway.

You may remember I watch TONS of football. You also may have noticed CBS aired the Superbowl this year. As such, you might also have noticed CBS is airing the Bash Bush ball...errr grammy's this coming Sunday. Only reason I knew is I saw the 2,955,343 commercials for it during the Superbowl. Didja see one of the loss-leaders? Justin Timberlake is going to sing with some loser voted for off the interwebs. Oh great, some off-key wannabe is going to sing a duet with a loser who never was shown how to properly shave. Music Gold I tell ya. NOT. I'd rather see JT and Bunny up there doing both “My Dick in a Box” and “My Box in a Box”. THAT would be good TV. I'll skip the grammy's thanks.

Sticking to the TV theme, I saw a commercial the other day for the V chip. They're still baking this crap into TVs? You all know the V chip is for lazy parents to block "questionable" content from their lazy, fat children right? I about pissed myself when the middle-class looking dood tells the drug addict that he loves his show but he can't let his kids watch. HEY DUMBFUCK! I'd bet that show is on in later primetime. WTF are your kids doing up? And if they are, WHERE ARE YOU? Oh that's right; you're upstairs text messaging them to go to bed. Why the kid has a mobile in the first place is for another day. I can't stand lazy and I certainly can't stand stupid.

I have been getting Maxim (US version) for about 4 years now. The first three I got it for free. Yes, you heard me, FREE. I'd come across some add for it on the interwebs if all I did was plunk down my name and address. Back then I wasn't so paranoid of doing so and filled in the application. Maxim started showing up about six weeks later. It just kept coming EVERY month. Not re-up cards, just Maxim. That is until about early 2006. I was reading it most of the time. Good toilet reading actually. So I told the Mrs. to send in the check. Shit for $10 a year, whatever. I used to enjoy reading Maxim. The articles were stupidly witty. Jokes not tooooo bad. Boobies.... Decent movie and DVD reviews. Their sports coverage sucked ass but I have ESPN for that. The fashion I flipped over, but the gadget sections were good. Every month would have one "in-depth" article that usually would keep my attention span for one sitting.

ALL THAT FUCKING CHANGED ABOUT 4 MONTHS AGO. New editor takes over. Every addition is now shorter. I can read it in ONE, not FOUR sittings. It doesn't have a binding that if you lined up a year’s worth it formed a cool booby picture. There are froofy FOOD articles and what wine to serve with it. There is sex advice from a therapist. The joke page is full of jokes I heard/told in HIGH SCHOOL 15 years ago. The fashion section makes me AVERT my eyes it's so full of fag shit. The goofy fartknocker articles are just plain stupid. The in-depth articles are worthless. But the Coup de Grace was this past month. They bashed hockey and firearms in the same edition. Come on. You bash the second manliest sport in the U.S. AND firearms? And this is a man's magazine? Boobies aside, I will not re-subscribe. I'd write a letter to the editor, but he's got paisleys on his shirt (yes he's pictured in each edition). What a waste of time. The Pussification of the American Male continues (For those googling and finding me due to that phrase: Here's to you Kim!)

Damn, bitching about that made me want to go watch porn. Aloha!

2 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

For once I am seriously at a loss for words. Freakin' hysterical stories Groove! LOL Especially the one's I didn't already know. ;)

2/9/07, 6:22 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Holy hell, you are a hoot!
Who's Kim? LOL

2/17/07, 7:23 AM  

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