Wednesday, January 31, 2007

5 things you wish I'd have kept to myself

This whole business of meme tagging is like one bad spin the bottle party. So I was tagged by Lisa. This should bring an end to playing tag and leaving it to the children and graffiti artists.

1. I've GTA'd on no less than 4 occasions. Word to the wise: Never lose your keys. Never. I'll parlay the B&E, shoplifting, petty theft, and arson here and leave it at that. (OK, this was many years ago; but what mayhem have you ever caused? I'm sure it is zero you wuss.) Oh and by the way; never been caught..........

2. I collect porn. Lots of porn. I'm not talking the freebie 20 second low resolution shit. The internet is my ocean. Do you know what a terabyte is? NO, I don't watch all of it. I said, "I collect it."

3. I love the gray and brown squirrels, all the finches, sparrows, swallows, doves, quails, and ringed pigeons that come to eat of the wares set out behind the abode. But GOD DAMMIT if I catch a crow or a coon back there. I'm shooting at it. 9 coons in the last 12 months alone have met their maker. Murders are a smart bunch as only 2 bit it, but they don't come round much anymore...muahahahaaaa

4. I will use racial, gender, or cultural slurs to win, or put a stop to, petty arguments. If I had a dollar for every womyn I've met who said they don't BELIEVE in the word CUNT, I'd be sipping rum from pineapples on the shores of Fiji or American Samoa. Sadly, what the gyrls always mean to say is they don't believe in USING the word CUNT. It warms my cockles to hear it though. It's like saying you don't believe in Santa Claus. I always want to retort, "Do you mind if I keep using it though?" I've never had an instance to call a non-white person a nigger. To their face of course. Honestly. I've never have met one, nigger that is. Seen them on TV, but I digress. I've met plenty of white-trash hicks I've called nigger. Holy shit! They don't know what to do. One of "their own" just called them a nigger! It usually drives them to want to strike me; but then I usually see the realization on their face that by doing so, not only have the "lost," they will lose twice by begetting words with violence. (I need to go watch Blazzing Saddles RIGHT NOW!)

5. Anal Sex is boring to me. Yay. Great. It's different. Some really like it. Some not really. I can think of better places to put it. Even when I browse the porn, I don't get the fascination with it. Either the dude wants to or she's begging the dude to do it. Says alot about "pro porn" don't it?

Now if you've made it to the end of my words and don't want to ever read this blog ever again, I only have two words for you. Fuck and You. I don't write for anyone. I write for me.

Tag me again and you'll REALLY not like the "5 things about me" next time......


Blogger Lisa said...

This was supposed to be things I didn't already know!

You don't scare me. Never have. Never will. Since I'm "it" again, watch out.

1/31/07, 4:39 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

LOL, and since I have yet to tag people, watch out there, too! ;)

I am intrigued.

1/31/07, 5:07 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I'll just go number to number...

1. Somehow this doesn't surprise me, but what does surprise me is that none of this was caught on video for you to reflect on later in life.

2. Now when you say porn, are you talking everything like animals and midgets and old people??? Because if you are, that's just distrubing (not that I expected anything less)

3. You would fit in on the East Coast just fine, at least the town I grew up in. My stepfather shoots the groundhogs and once i saw him bludgeon an possum because it was in my outdoor cat's bed.

4. I agree with you on this whole nigger business, however, I don't particularly love the word CUNT, however if it gives you some jollies, i'll try to put it in my blog every once in a while...BTW, have you ever been called a CUNT?

5. How can you find Anal Sex boring? I'm really curious about this one, i think you are in the minority here. What exactly do you find stimulating??? Inquiring minds want to know!

1/31/07, 5:15 PM  

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