Saturday, December 23, 2006

From the Department of Complete Rip-offs

I'll go as far as to say the Mrs. gets her paychecks from a local hospital. When you see media outlets quote the nursing supervisor as someones condition is X, that's her. So as an 'administrator' they get nifty things every now and again. Last year or so were these nice fleece coats with the hospital's logo. NO one has these but the 5 nursing sups. Kinda kewl.

Not this year....With the non-anglos falling like flies to CO poisoning the hospital decided its staff needed something to help them survive the apocalypse. She came home last nite with a stupid looking backpack that says SURVIVAL KIT on the front.


This thing is such a waste. I won't mention the local survival retailer this was purchased from but I'll say it retails for $185. They're calling it a DEEElux 72 hour survival kit WITH MREs. I should post a link to the 1.575 MILLION dollar bunker they'll build you....not

What strikes you most as you come up on this waste of money is the fact it REEKS of gun oil. I mean it permeates the room! I've had ammo cases smell bad but this beats them hands down. And what do you get in this smelly waste? Let me run down the list.....

(15) Emergency Drinking Water Packets - Right, packets. I see these being spilled everywhere trying to open them. I'd rather drink toilet water. Oh and they expire in 10 months. TEN MONTHS!

(3) MRE Complete Meals - Yeah, can't wait to heat up the veggie burger in bbq sauce. EWW. Some food rations in 9 2" squares. I won't go into the details of the ingredients. It'll definitely be the end of days before I put any of this in my mouth.

(2) Emergency candles - Small. Tea lights would work just as well.

(1) Sierra Cup - Nifty, made in India, oh and you're supposed to be able to heat this over a fire. I might want to get the UPC sticker off the bottom first.

(1) Emergency Poncho - Yeah, like the kind they sell at football games for $10 but it's worth 10 Cents.

(1) Emergency Blanket - The cool silvery kind. Ok, this will go in the conveyance.

(1Bottle) Water Purification Tablets - Well this is cool. 2 pills a quart and there must be 30 tablets in there.

(2) Disposable Hand Warmer - Ok but if I have fire making materials why would I need this?

(1) Canteen - 1 quart - Well if it didn't stink of gun oil......

(1) Gloves - Great. Where are the other 5 pair of these cheap bastards. You know the type, they only come in packs of 5 or 10 pairs?!

(1) Eating Utensils - (fork,knife,spoon) - WTF are these? They fit together and come in a snap packet, oh and reek of gun oil. USELESS.

(1) SunBurst Flashlight - AM - FM Radio - with AC/DC Adapter - Another surprise. I wonder if it actually works (it does). I think it's funny that it's solar powered, being in PNW and all. At least you can hand crank it too.

(1) First Aid Kit - Wow, three band aids, tape, and a needle. Good thing there is duct tape.

(1) Nylon Cord - Cool, parachute cord. About 10 feet I think. Shame I have climbing rope in the garage. Kidding......

(1) Wind & Water Proof Matches - Why? you gave me a lighter?

(1) Tissues - Yeah a cheap no-name brand 25 pack. I needed some in my conveyance.

(1) Roll Toilet Tissue - Roll? My ass it's a roll. There might be 200 sheets there. We'd have it gone after one morning.

(1) Can Opener - GI Type - Yeah, smaller than a razor blade and twice as sharp. What a waste.

(1) Whistle - Ooh wow. Why? I'm not getting raped? (Ok I know why but my penis still wants to know.)

(1) Knife (Swiss Army Type) - Type, yes. Like? not really. I can't wait to break this. It's now in HER car :)

(1) Butane Lighter - Like the kind they give away for free at gas stations.

(1) Roll Duct Tape - Yeah, I've got 3000% more in the garage than what's on this roll.

(2) Waste Bags - Um, if it's the end of the world why would I collect my trash?

(1) Back Pack - Cheap kind. Will rip if you actually strapped it on because all this emergency water weighs about 5 pounds.

Oh and not to mention a catalog and other survivalist advertising. I especially love the CD with survival tips. Um, the power's out dipshit, don't think I'll be listening to this.....

Interestingly enough, I cheated and pulled the item list off the company's website and I noticed we must have received a "custom built" kit as we did not receive the following:

Magnesium Fire Starter
FM 21-76 U S Army Survival Manual
Pocket Soap
Small Stove & Fuel
Folding Scissors
Light Sticks

Fucking G R A T E great. Don't include the things I could actually fucking use at the beginning of the apocalypse. Typical hospital cheap asses. Wonder if they still paid the full price. Probably!

Though I'm somewhat disappointed as directions for any of the food are only in English and French. Not any of the 5 languages the beloved Seattle Times used in their flier on how to NOT cook BBQ or run generators inside.

I was going to go into what the instructions, yes instructions, for this kit say but my room smells of gun oil, and without any guns lying around right now, this sucks.

Time to go lose this in the garage.


Blogger Lisa said...

Oh c'mon! You know you love it!! LOL What a freakin stupid ass Christmas gift!! You said it right... cheap bastards.

12/23/06, 10:50 PM  

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