Thursday, September 06, 2007

There is no such thing as.....

An ambiguous question. Only stupid people who can't read.

I was sent something entitled "Philosophy of Ambiguity"

Granted it's tongue-in-cheek as who in their left mind would study the vague, but I couldn't resist.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If you've never petted anything sweaty, you've not lived.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
Lightweight.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I love this. Believing in the non-existence of Deities is still a belief! Making a cute sentence doesn't downplay anything.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Because we all evolved from cavemen you idiot.

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Remind me how this is ambiguous? Funny, not ambiguous.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if
she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
That's called apathy, not ambiguity.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Took 7 questions to find anything ambiguous. Closer to esoteric if you ask me.

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Silly, not confusing.

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
Legally speaking, no. Try again.

10. Is there another word for synonym?
Alike? What the hell people.

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
There are something like 350 National Parks. I'm sure there are choices.

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Check your compass and hope the local tribesmen don't catch you.

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Depending on the court's decision, uh, yes.

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
This is where I hold my hands over my face.<

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A key never stopped me from peeing in the sink.

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
It's called Dead; or what I like to refer to as soup.

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Depends on their higher calling to the cause.

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Yes, Miranda is a bitch that way. He might not be talking but that don't make him deaf or stupid.

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
You've never pulled in backwards for you passenger? Hello?!

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Chicken/Egg/Idiot

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
FINALLY A COMPLETELY AMBIGUOUS QUESTION!

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
UH...no....true, not hazy here, move along.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Guess we can't spell either as I certainly don't get alge in my fishbowl. Besides, that pink number she had on gave me a stiffy.

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
As long as you don't drop them.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
Because it's fought mostly by CIVILians. Quit sleeping in class you retard.

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
No, only the nut job had the stoke. The other accomplished swimmers had no issue with standing in 5 feet of water.

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
1 or 2 cups?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
You've succeeded in failing.

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Many conditions play off the actual condition. Rickety Rickets?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Does stupid hurt?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
And I'm out every December shooting at winter...moron.

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sour Cream, ha ha, it's called fungus.

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
There is no such thing as an oriental man.

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Any fool can live in a flood plain and buy insurance.

1 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

Hehe! You are tres funny, my friend.

9/10/07, 6:18 PM  

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