Evil, Silly n Stoopid

Jagermeister

2008-02-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

Jagermeister is German for "Please Date Rape Me!!!!"

No? You're an idiot.

Psalms 23:2

2008-02-16T17:28:00.001-08:00

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.

I didn't know the lord swung that way....and the only still water I know is a puddle.

Thanks God.

Fish are stupid

2008-01-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

I know fish are stupid. I know this as I've had fish in my home for the VAST majority of my life. I even have the antique stainless steel, flint-bottom tank my dad had as I grew up (I have two stainless tanks....the asshole at superpet won't even know what one is....)

Did you ever see the mythbusters where they tried to teach goldfish to go to the food and said it was busted. Jaime is a moron. You can SO train goldfish. Wanna know how I know? Everyday about dinnertime or later when I walk into the room the fish go nuts. Why? It's time to EAT!!!

So you're asking yourself why I said fish are stupid. Ever sit down and watch fish? Freshwater fish mostly. I don't know about saltwater fish, though I've seen plenty when I dive. Fish are very relaxing. Get drunk and watch fish. It's as good as being stoned. But again, they're dumb as shit. They will continually mouth their own shit as if it was food. Granted they spit it out; but holy shit, it's shit. I think after I put shit in my mouth I wouldn't do it again.

What the fuck do I know anyway. I'm still smarter than you are. You were dumb enough to read this. My estrogen level isn't high enough to do this everyday. I'm no Penn Gillette. There is a reason I have no following. No one likes what I have to say. And yes, I'm a card carrying prick.

I now get it.

2007-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

You don't know what bottom is until you've waded around in it. When you weep for no reason, you're there. When you can't decide bed or bathtub, that's it. I'm not talking about sleeping or bathing you fuck.

When no amount of 20th century know how can fix it, it's over.

In reality, it's never that bad. Buck up bitch. If I am willing to defeat it, anyone can.

Yeah, it's fucking overwhelming. Give up. Find if you have anyone there to listen. If you do, you'll be fine; if not, I know a good gun dealer.

Depressed people piss me off. I actually used to listen to them. I was that person today. I lost it. The little boy who hid in a closet paid a visit. I did not know what to say. He looked great. I want his haircut. I'm just glad he wasn't disappointed. I've not done too bad. I'm still scared he'll come again. However, today he smiled. You have no idea what that means to me. (Yes I'm mixing tenses. Ever hear of poetic license?)

I'm lucky. Most aren't. I found out why I had the meltdown. I knew why beforehand and that's what's more sick, but not the point.

The headache I've had for 4 days will eventually go away. Some day I'll sleep well. At some point I might have to fuck with people in rehab...(don't send me, I'll have too much fun...if I give it all up, I'll just stop); but I see the signs.

Please let me be. I'm not doing that bad.

If anyone reads this and gets a clue, I've done one more service. Otherwise, fuck off and go type to someone who gives a shit.

In the event I do what I want to do, you'll never see this again.

EDIT: What I want to do is good, don't pick up the phone.

stoopid people send form letters

2007-12-16T00:40:00.000-08:00

My sleeping buddy got a letter the other day.

It talked about shit from work....and changes to come.

It was a bulleted list...At the end of each bullet was a semi-colon (;).

At the end of the 2nd to last bullet was a ";and". To introduce the last bullet of course!!!

I was amazed. A 4 bulleted run-on sentence.

I should have gambled that day.

This is your brain on drugs

2007-12-16T00:33:00.000-08:00

Admittedly I'm on something(s) right now...not the point.

I have many addictions. Thought I'd get them all out there now because I lost track.

Alcohol
Work
Porn
Warez
Sex
DVDs
CrackBerry

Shit there we're more but I forgot....

Thanks to allah it's not guns anymore! Remember, if I don't try to find my family, my 77% survival rate goes to 95%......that and we all need to live in walmart for months...

Cracker Jack Paper is no License

2007-12-16T00:23:00.001-08:00

What the fuck. I so forget how getting a tickle me elmo makes people the most stupid people on the planet. I've had more issues with idiots on the road in the last 3 days than I have in 9 months. I had some pussy in a Nissan "beep" at me cuz I "cut" him off.

Fuck me he didn't even have to slow down. He was just amazed I was being European.

Last I checked, Yield doesn't mean stop and wet my pants while I wait for a 30 second window.

assholes.....Even my princess laughs when I fly through those fucking round-a-bouts...

They WILL drive at 16...in slow-moving, gas-guzzling land-yachts. Don't care if they fuck up. I just hope they know how to do doughnuts!!!!!

Skinamax is for Boys

2007-11-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

Why the fuck do any of the pay cable channels like Cinemax still run their Saturday nite soft porn??? I mean really. Have you ever seen youporn? I can get to hard-core, give me a stiffy, porn in less than 4 seconds on this internet thingy.

Soft porn is like a massage without a happy ending. Everything is hot and heavy, breasts and asses are heaving. Bad elevator porn music is playing and there are cut-aways to a roaring fire or whatever.....But there is NEVER a happy ending. It just "cums" to an end. What the Fuck? The music stops. No more pelvic grinding. Did someone get a cramp or something? Fire need another log? How the hell do we know if everyone had a good time? I mean really. It just stops and they cut away to the next scene just like a regular porno with out the happy ending....

Fuck around.

Ya know?

2007-11-25T00:36:00.000-08:00

Ya know.....

This isn't from experience. But really....Why I thought of this is just wrong...but really....

You MUST have to know, boys, that if your significant other ever asks you this, your relationship is in turmoil. Or, your significant other is a bigger freak than you ever imagined.....

"Hey honey, what are your thoughts about getting a blowjob from another man?"

Don't ask. I just write it.

I own you

2007-11-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

Like I always say, if in the apocalypse you come to my house and actually make it up the driveway, you'll be of some use. Welcome Aboard the Death Train!!

77%

NERDS!!

2007-10-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

I might be nerdy...but I'm no dork.

And for the record, if I had to choose between the internet or sex, it'd be sex....

There will be no internet after the apocalypse you fools.

Need Another Seven Astronauts

2007-09-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

Remember when you chortled in hearing that? I think another one had to do with, "NO!!! I said Bud Light!!!"

I'm sick remember.

But really. NASA is a fucking joke. Didja hear? they're taking applications for astronaut school and anyone can apply. Very cool.

Maybe except I skipped engineering and flight skool. Though I do have a bachelor's degree. That's all you need to be a teacher.

According to the Hoyle group heading up what used to be the coolest space agency on the planet here are some of the requirements:

To be considered, a bachelor's degree in engineering, science or math and three years of relevant professional experience are required. Typically, successful applicants have significant qualifications in engineering or science, or extensive experience flying high-performance jet aircraft. Teaching experience, including work at the kindergarten through 12th grade level, is considered qualifying. Educators with the appropriate educational background are encouraged to apply.

Um...Since when do significantly qualified engineers and scientists need strapped on a firecracker with someone who teaches coloring technique and the alphabet to 5 year old children?

This is why we have issues getting to the moon.

I'm sure any People's Republic puppet can tell you teachers are better suited to teach government mandated testing than grow bean sprouts in low gravity......

Oh wait...that's only here on the left coast.

I'm a Dick

2007-09-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

This was too good to pass up....
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/8620850236700535300/Song-of-Ice-and-Fire-House

And yes the gif is too big. Sue me.

Your Score: House Greyjoy

63% Dominant, 36% Extroverted, 27% Trustworthy

Brutal. Opportunistic. Unforgiving. Rising again, harder and stronger, you are of House Greyjoy.

You are a dominant personality. Although you are neither the strongest nor the most cunning, you bend the weaknesses of others to your own advantage. Extremely opportunistic, you are the Wendy Pepper of Westeros, letting everyone fall over themselves and get tangled up before springing lightly over the pile of bodies. When others criticize you, you’re more likely to cut out their tongue than lend an ear. Your arrogance is hard-wired into you to such a degree that you barely recognize other human beings to be of your same species, let alone your equals.

You are also introverted, which means that nobody knows what the hell is going on inside your head. Spontaneous and extremely impulsive, your actions will always take people by surprise. As such, it’s unlikely that you have many friends or allies in the wide world; people just don’t find you trustworthy. And there’s a reason for that, too, which is...

You’re untrustworthy! You are opportunistic, greedy, stubborn, and more-than-willing to climb over anyone you must to get to the top. You are unwilling to compromise on anything, and instead of using strategy, you try to eliminate as many of the other players as possible. Let’s face it—by conventional moral standards, you’re just not a very admirable person. Perhaps if you stopped laughing when people cut their fingers off at your dinner parties...?

Representative characters include: Aeron Greyjoy, Asha Greyjoy, and Victarion Greyjoy

Similar Houses: Baratheon, Frey, and Lannister

Opposite House: Tully

When playing the game of thrones, you play it buck naked, flappin’ in the breeze.

There is no such thing as.....

2007-09-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

An ambiguous question. Only stupid people who can't read.

I was sent something entitled "Philosophy of Ambiguity"

Granted it's tongue-in-cheek as who in their left mind would study the vague, but I couldn't resist.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If you've never petted anything sweaty, you've not lived.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
Lightweight.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I love this. Believing in the non-existence of Deities is still a belief! Making a cute sentence doesn't downplay anything.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Because we all evolved from cavemen you idiot.

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Remind me how this is ambiguous? Funny, not ambiguous.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if
she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
That's called apathy, not ambiguity.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Took 7 questions to find anything ambiguous. Closer to esoteric if you ask me.

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Silly, not confusing.

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
Legally speaking, no. Try again.

10. Is there another word for synonym?
Alike? What the hell people.

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
There are something like 350 National Parks. I'm sure there are choices.

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Check your compass and hope the local tribesmen don't catch you.

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Depending on the court's decision, uh, yes.

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
This is where I hold my hands over my face.<

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A key never stopped me from peeing in the sink.

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
It's called Dead; or what I like to refer to as soup.

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Depends on their higher calling to the cause.

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Yes, Miranda is a bitch that way. He might not be talking but that don't make him deaf or stupid.

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
You've never pulled in backwards for you passenger? Hello?!

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Chicken/Egg/Idiot

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
FINALLY A COMPLETELY AMBIGUOUS QUESTION!

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
UH...no....true, not hazy here, move along.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Guess we can't spell either as I certainly don't get alge in my fishbowl. Besides, that pink number she had on gave me a stiffy.

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
As long as you don't drop them.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
Because it's fought mostly by CIVILians. Quit sleeping in class you retard.

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
No, only the nut job had the stoke. The other accomplished swimmers had no issue with standing in 5 feet of water.

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
1 or 2 cups?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
You've succeeded in failing.

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Many conditions play off the actual condition. Rickety Rickets?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Does stupid hurt?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
And I'm out every December shooting at winter...moron.

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sour Cream, ha ha, it's called fungus.

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
There is no such thing as an oriental man.

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Any fool can live in a flood plain and buy insurance.

I Love Breasts

2007-08-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

Actually it's I heart boobies, but I now prefer:

i heart ( . )( . )

Tis better than I like big ( | )s!

Damn, ( | ) looks like a cheeseburger....if you know what I mean..hehe

What's in a meme?

2007-05-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

What the hell is a meme anyway? Supposedly it's a unit of cultural information. At moron level it seems to be a specific internet phenomena. Somewhere else I saw it's an "idea" that can replicate like genes. All nice definitions. What the FUCK does that have to do with answering lists of questions whether you like the color blue or want anal in the shower on Thursday afternoons? How is a list of random questions a phenomena? It certainly is cultural. It proves the decline is really upon us. Spreading like a gene. Shaaariiight.....I can copy and paste too. People can't even agree on how to pronounce the word!

Now don't try and feed me the shit that it's a way for bloggers to get to know each other. Bullshit. Read the other fucking stuff they write. Read their FAQs. You'd learn more I'd bet. "Oh but Groove, they're fun to do." Bullshit. Fun? Watching your children grow up is "Fun". Writing down the first word you think of when you see a picture of an otter spray painted green is for CHILDREN. This is more of "I don't what to write about today so I'd like to tell you about my favorite coffee and what movie star I get a kick out of seeing shitfaced."

There's a reason I refuse to do these fucking things. It's a waste of brainpower. If you can't take the 10 minutes to tell me how miserable of an existence you lead, don't bother with canned hash. If you can't put forth actual thought, go get your remote control and diapers then prepare to be marginalized. This is why your kids sit in front of the TV all fucking day. Even you can't be bothered with more than 37 seconds of rational thinking. Go flip on Rachel Ray, I'm sure she'll have an opinion you can wrap your legs around. She's not even a trained chef....there, I learned you something today.

This is why they really hate us.....Fuck Around.

If I left myself a voice message on my mobile.....

2007-05-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

This MUST be important...

"Cryogenic Dick Freezing. Watch out for that shit....."

Fuck knows why I said that. Probably saw some weird dildo add or article on bluehairs preserving their companion's johnson for all of eternity.

Maybe if an 86 year old cave of a snatch gets some blindingly cold manhood sliding in, the feeling all comes back.

What do I know...I was drunk.

Unintended Behavior

2007-05-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

Like the old sot everyone knows sitting at the end of the bar, I'm a video store whore. I'm such a video store whore that just about all of the 20-somethings working there know me by name. I'm such a video whore that I hear "Hi Groove" before the front door closes behind me. Such a whore I'm in there 6 or 7 days a week bringing home over 20 movies a week. Why you ask? If you can't figure it out, I'm not giving you any clues. I make my trip everyday with a skip in my step because it's fun learning all about the folks working there. It's better than watching "Clerks", "Mall Rats", and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" all in the same day.

First we have "Shorty". This little Southern fireball became the store "director" this spring. God love her; she's really cute, but dumb as nails. It's silly to see her cover her forearm tattoo with a wristband. What sets the standard though is how a true, dark brunette can get away with hooker-blue eye-shadow everyday. Ok, not really... I've given her more advice on how to run that store it's sick. Why Groove gets asked these things I really don't know. Why do I know all about her 4 year old, her ex-baby daddy and all this other crap? Must be the hypnotic effect of hooker-blue eye-shadow.

Next we have "Superman". This mid-20-something, 1991 Camero-TTops-driving, community-college-going string bean is a trip. He secretly lusts after Shorty and I noticed him trying to make some plays when Shorty kicked out baby-daddy, but have seen nothing since. This boy LOVES superman. Wanna know how much the Superman DVD box set costs or when it was released? I do, but I wish I didn't. He even wore the balloon muscle suit for Halloween. I had high hopes for Superman until I saw the Camero. Sorry My boy, you just lost your street-cred with me. I don't even think Groove could get play in that ride.

That brings us to the "Bearded Man-lady". This monster is your typical video store clerk. No salesmanship, no affect, no horseplay bone in his body, Coke-bottle glasses, and thick-ass, Jet-black hair that goes all the way down his neck. That boy has a kevlar-strength beard. You might wonder why I said "monster" earlier. Let's just say he goes about 6'4"-250lbs. It's a shame he looks like a video store clerk.

Then we have the two "BTRAs". BTRA stands for Big Tits, Round Asses. I picked it up off some website I used to rape everyday until my stolen password stopped working. Now believe me, a BTRA doesn't have to be some apple-bottomed, Salma Hayek looking bombshell. Oh no..... This adage runs the full gamut. I'll let you guess where these two fit in. Ok, not at the Wal-Mart end, but ooof there's some cushion going on. Now that you think Groove's a complete troll for typing that out, I'll deliver my response. As I have a penchant for hooker-blue, I have some weird DNA stand forcing me to talk to these two. And what does it get me? It gets me a "Hiiiiiiiiiiiee Groove, how are you?" every time I walk in the door. The fact that one of them has a new hair color each week that gets noticed with a "Wouldja pick a color already?!" probably doesn't help me; but hey, it makes the visit more fun. Granted saying "Aloha, Guten Tag, Wie Gehts?, Hi Girls, Bonjour, or Ciao" when I enter and exit the place don't help neither.

Now that I've completely tagged myself a misogynist, let's talk about the two "Hotties"! First there's the hot blonde. She knows me by name as well (this all will explained WHY later). I should find out what brand khakis she wears and get a couple dozen for the Mrs. Oh-me-OH-my!!! I found out at some point she played a lot of golf. Even I'd stop on the LPGA telecast if I knew she was knocking balls around. The other Hottie is Asia. No, not Asia the continent. Asia as in OzzyA. Yeah I know, it took me three trips to get it right, but we learned each others' names that way. She must be barely 19. Cute as a button and naive as a spring pig ($1 who knows what the reference is referring to). One day the topic of spring break came up. Shorty, the BRTAs and OzzyA were there. OzzyA was ringing me up while everyone was talking about what they do/used to do on spring break. I looked at OzzyA straight faced and called bullshit: that she probably liked drinks in oversized glasses, beads, enjoying the comforts of luxurious land-yachts with other girls while there's a video camera handy. Everyone within earshot knew I meant "Girls, Gone, Wild." Not Ozzya. Without missing a beat she said, "No, I'm a good girl." Oh the laughter. I had to leave the store..........We still chat each other up though if she's working.

There's a handful of other misfits and retards who work there, but they're no fun. No fun whatsoever. If they're the only ones working: I get in, I get movies, and I get out.

What does all this mind play get me? Besides being on first name terms with OzzyA, it got me my own alias in their database. I waltz up and instead of being asked for my phone number, ID, firstborn etc., I usually don't have to say a word. I just get rung up and that's that! My phone number is "Groove". I get a kick out of fucking with newer misfits when they ask me for my phone number and I say "Groove". They get that glazed look. I have to tell them to type "Groove" into the phone number box on their screen and my account will pop up. "Really, my number won't work." I always get the obligatory, "Can I see your ID?" I always respond to with, "I'm sure you CAN see my ID. You look as though you have sight." Yes I get the blank stare and whip it out anyway....It's fun though if someone knows me they'll jump in and just be like, "This is Groove! Remember him!"

I so love my DVD disease. It must be time to get over there. It's been 23 hours!

Maybe next time I'll discuss the Liquor Store BTRA at the Wal-Mart end of the scale who always forces me to completely take my ID out of my wallet's window-flap; but that's a story for another day. Oh hell I can't tell that story. Just thinking about that slor with the cheese grater face full of purple rouge makes by BP go up!

I call BS

2007-05-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

Have you seen that radioshack ad for the 20ish dood who has like 1000 RECORDS? His girlfriend is pissed that the place is a mess and is on her way to what assumes is a biz trip and tells him they'll talk when she comes back. While she's gone he apparently rips lots/ALL records to MP3 and when she returns there's just a MP3 player and docking stereo for it sitting there...

This is a BUNCH OF SHIT !!

1. Ever meet anyone under 35 with more than 10 records? Ok maybe there's 4 of them.

2. Ever meet anyone under 35 with a decent record player? Ok maybe 3 of those 4.

3. IF, and only if, there are those type of people out there, do you honestly think they have the time and inclination to rip all them records??

4. If there are more than 4 of those audiophiles out there that age, do you honestly think they slum for MP3 players at radioshack? PUHleeze

This ad is wrong on so many levels it's offensive.

Ok I'd nail Penelope but that's not the point....

yeah I know

2007-04-27T08:10:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile. I've been working on my alcoholism. So go fuck yourself if you've missed me. I really don't care.

Who the fuck bans SUNFLOWER SEEDS from a baseball park? There is a baseball park here locally that banned SUNFLOWER SEEDS from two of their fields. Granted these fields have the really cool all weather turf. Hell, one field has the entire thing outfitted with this shit. The other just the infield.

I hear the breakdown of seeds on this shit voids some warranty. Warranty? This shit is to last 20 years? What the fuck!

So I go to the Heir's game the other night. He's playing on the holy shit all fake field. I throw some seeds in my mouth and the ump sees me. I'm taking pics and he mentions to me that seeds are banned from this field. I say so what, I know. I'm spitting in the can. He was all like But dood you can't do that here. I'm like so what!

An inning later he comes up and confides that he's acutally supposed to report/escort people off for EATING SUNFLOWER SEEDS on this field and if need be, call the SHERIFF to assist. I said to him go ahead. Really. You get me arrested for eating seeds at a BASEBALL park and I'll be on Fox News by 0600 EST tomorrow. He laughed and said he was just doing his job. I know. He wasn't a dick so I wasn't either. But when the Heir's coach came up and asked WTF was going on I told him and asked if I could smoke a nugget on field instead? That's not banned; at least it's not on the 'banned list'! The look. Oh the look. He wanted SO bad to ask if I wanted to lite a bowl...shit like I have any.....

Even parents are pissed. This is stupid. I should email ConAgra foods (BTW they own David's sunflower seeds; you know..the seeds you can buy in FIVE gallon buckets...for BASEBALL). I really need to read up on the field's manufacturer's website. This is BULLSHIT.

Banning smoking, fucking, homoerotism, chewing tobacco, the word FUCK, I can live with. There are Kids there. But SUNFLOWER SEEDS?!

FUCK Around!

Next thing you know we'll have a lame duck president that can't get shit done.........Oh wait we got that already. I Love listening to NPR news. It beats entertainment tonite hands down :)

Atta Boy!

2007-03-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

If you're a woman with no boys/nephews/whatever....move along....just move along, you won't get it.....

Ever notice the fascination small boys have with public toilets? Do YOU know what I'm talking about? When mothers take their small boys to the store, mall, wherever, ever notice the boys always wanting to go to the bathroom. Not just to the bathroom, but to the potty by THEMSELVES!

The mummies get all proud at first. Little man might actually be taking a step forward today.

Yeah Right......

It's the only place in the entire world the boy can go that she has never been to; and unless she’s paid to cleans toilets, never will be. HE KNOWS IT!

It's like stepping off the back porch into an African jungle or onto the MOON for that matter because mom can't go with. He gets to think to himself:

"I don't care what Mommy says, I'm going to be standing UP."

"I sure hope I don't have to make a poop."

"Ooh this one has pink candy in it!"

"I wonder if that number on the wall is important?"

"There's a smelly man standing next to me going pee, but it's OK because what Mommy doesn’t know won't hurt me!"

"I don't care if Mommy says not to pull my pants down when I pee, I can't find my pepe if I don't."

"Where's the bowl of candy like in Mommy's bathroom? And how come there's no couch? I want to be comfy too."

"Speaking of candy, I'll have to ask Mommy for 50 cents next time. That green, rubber ring looks fun. I wonder why it says ribbed. Did God make it like Adam and Eve??"

"Daddy says men smell like men for a reason. I guess someday I'll know what that means but for now it smells like grandma's poop in here."

"Daddy also says I should have good aim. I figure why bother. The man in front of me didn't and jumping over was too far."

"I wish teacher would hurry up and help me read better. I'm going to be in here all day."

"I can fuck around for the next 10 minutes. Mommy might get mad, but you know what, she's not coming in! Mommy won't step foot in here."

Do you honestly think it takes a 7 year old boy TEN minutes to take a fucking leak? NOOOO. It doesn't take a 7 year old boy 10 minutes to make water, take a dump, and OVERLY wash his hands! What's he doing in there?

Fucking around.

Flushing the bowls.

Watching the waterfalls and whirlpools.

Wondering what the mat in the stand up pee thing is for.

Crank, Crank, Cranking the manual towel dispenser.

Overflowing the floor with the automatic towel dispenser.

Climbing on the sink. Wondering what the goop in the sink is.

Swinging from the 70's, linen towel, wrap around dispenser.

Using enough soap for an entire grease monkey crew.

Playing with the hot air turbines trying to get his mouth to flop open like on TV.

Flooding the sink, his pockets, the floor, wherever the water will seek out level!

Playing with the mop, the plumber's helper, whatever is lying around.

He's in there having the time of his life......Why?

Because Mom won't come in!

Shallow Hal

2007-02-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

Shallow Hal only saw the inter-beauty. I see in Technicolor.

For example....

Munk says: If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up...

Groove says: Nah, I like to ride the regular bus with 17 other friends.

Get off the short bus Munk....Life will get better.

Was I bad? I love my friends to death but when they act like Louisana rednecks trying to be 12 year old funny, I can't help myself.

I take notes when I'm drunk

2007-02-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

Yeah it's been awhile. So sue me. I can afford a better lawyer and would continuance your ass into oblivion. I just haven't had the gumption to write anything for awhile. Work nuts. Little sleep. Ruining my body. All those good things. To say Groove hasn't had the gumption to rant is an understatement. Then again I was pretty good at it every night at 0100hrs, but not a very good typist at that point...

So in another effort to clear out my notebook I'll enlighten you with the couple-four things I've noticed the past days.

I'm sick and fucking tired of ads for natural male enhancement. I really couldn't give less of a shit if your boyfriend's, your husband's, your partner’s, or your own johnson isn't cutting it. For allah's sake I thought it was how you used it, not how big it was. Granted I like to think I got enough, but whatever. I'd rather enjoy sitting around high all day on pain meds than hope I remembered to take my male enhancement pills. Have you ever actually gone and found out how much this shit costs? Some of them, won't mention any brands, are $90 for a one MONTH supply. Yes I went and looked. Oh and of course it's on the AOL “charge your credit card monthly, don't think about canceling us plan”. This stuff is nothing more than herbal viagra. Does kind of the same thing as viagra; but it's not as potent so you have to take the shit every damn day. I think what pisses me off more than anything are the ads for enzyte. That fucking smiling tool and his "I wouldn't fuck that with a stolen dick" wife is what pushes me over the edge. Having the biggest hard-on never got me anywhere in a business deal, key party, pool party, golf game (ok I don't golf), race, or any other competitive arena. I don’t think my friends care if I have a big pole either. I'll stick with my vitamins and unabashed sex drive. Thanks anyway.

You may remember I watch TONS of football. You also may have noticed CBS aired the Superbowl this year. As such, you might also have noticed CBS is airing the Bash Bush ball...errr grammy's this coming Sunday. Only reason I knew is I saw the 2,955,343 commercials for it during the Superbowl. Didja see one of the loss-leaders? Justin Timberlake is going to sing with some loser voted for off the interwebs. Oh great, some off-key wannabe is going to sing a duet with a loser who never was shown how to properly shave. Music Gold I tell ya. NOT. I'd rather see JT and Bunny up there doing both “My Dick in a Box” and “My Box in a Box”. THAT would be good TV. I'll skip the grammy's thanks.

Sticking to the TV theme, I saw a commercial the other day for the V chip. They're still baking this crap into TVs? You all know the V chip is for lazy parents to block "questionable" content from their lazy, fat children right? I about pissed myself when the middle-class looking dood tells the drug addict that he loves his show but he can't let his kids watch. HEY DUMBFUCK! I'd bet that show is on in later primetime. WTF are your kids doing up? And if they are, WHERE ARE YOU? Oh that's right; you're upstairs text messaging them to go to bed. Why the kid has a mobile in the first place is for another day. I can't stand lazy and I certainly can't stand stupid.

I have been getting Maxim (US version) for about 4 years now. The first three I got it for free. Yes, you heard me, FREE. I'd come across some add for it on the interwebs if all I did was plunk down my name and address. Back then I wasn't so paranoid of doing so and filled in the application. Maxim started showing up about six weeks later. It just kept coming EVERY month. Not re-up cards, just Maxim. That is until about early 2006. I was reading it most of the time. Good toilet reading actually. So I told the Mrs. to send in the check. Shit for $10 a year, whatever. I used to enjoy reading Maxim. The articles were stupidly witty. Jokes not tooooo bad. Boobies.... Decent movie and DVD reviews. Their sports coverage sucked ass but I have ESPN for that. The fashion I flipped over, but the gadget sections were good. Every month would have one "in-depth" article that usually would keep my attention span for one sitting.

ALL THAT FUCKING CHANGED ABOUT 4 MONTHS AGO. New editor takes over. Every addition is now shorter. I can read it in ONE, not FOUR sittings. It doesn't have a binding that if you lined up a year’s worth it formed a cool booby picture. There are froofy FOOD articles and what wine to serve with it. There is sex advice from a therapist. The joke page is full of jokes I heard/told in HIGH SCHOOL 15 years ago. The fashion section makes me AVERT my eyes it's so full of fag shit. The goofy fartknocker articles are just plain stupid. The in-depth articles are worthless. But the Coup de Grace was this past month. They bashed hockey and firearms in the same edition. Come on. You bash the second manliest sport in the U.S. AND firearms? And this is a man's magazine? Boobies aside, I will not re-subscribe. I'd write a letter to the editor, but he's got paisleys on his shirt (yes he's pictured in each edition). What a waste of time. The Pussification of the American Male continues (For those googling and finding me due to that phrase: Here's to you Kim!)

Damn, bitching about that made me want to go watch porn. Aloha!

5 things you wish I'd have kept to myself

2007-01-31T16:08:00.000-08:00

This whole business of meme tagging is like one bad spin the bottle party. So I was tagged by Lisa. This should bring an end to playing tag and leaving it to the children and graffiti artists.

1. I've GTA'd on no less than 4 occasions. Word to the wise: Never lose your keys. Never. I'll parlay the B&E, shoplifting, petty theft, and arson here and leave it at that. (OK, this was many years ago; but what mayhem have you ever caused? I'm sure it is zero you wuss.) Oh and by the way; never been caught..........

2. I collect porn. Lots of porn. I'm not talking the freebie 20 second low resolution shit. The internet is my ocean. Do you know what a terabyte is? NO, I don't watch all of it. I said, "I collect it."

3. I love the gray and brown squirrels, all the finches, sparrows, swallows, doves, quails, and ringed pigeons that come to eat of the wares set out behind the abode. But GOD DAMMIT if I catch a crow or a coon back there. I'm shooting at it. 9 coons in the last 12 months alone have met their maker. Murders are a smart bunch as only 2 bit it, but they don't come round much anymore...muahahahaaaa

4. I will use racial, gender, or cultural slurs to win, or put a stop to, petty arguments. If I had a dollar for every womyn I've met who said they don't BELIEVE in the word CUNT, I'd be sipping rum from pineapples on the shores of Fiji or American Samoa. Sadly, what the gyrls always mean to say is they don't believe in USING the word CUNT. It warms my cockles to hear it though. It's like saying you don't believe in Santa Claus. I always want to retort, "Do you mind if I keep using it though?" I've never had an instance to call a non-white person a nigger. To their face of course. Honestly. I've never have met one, nigger that is. Seen them on TV, but I digress. I've met plenty of white-trash hicks I've called nigger. Holy shit! They don't know what to do. One of "their own" just called them a nigger! It usually drives them to want to strike me; but then I usually see the realization on their face that by doing so, not only have the "lost," they will lose twice by begetting words with violence. (I need to go watch Blazzing Saddles RIGHT NOW!)

5. Anal Sex is boring to me. Yay. Great. It's different. Some really like it. Some not really. I can think of better places to put it. Even when I browse the porn, I don't get the fascination with it. Either the dude wants to or she's begging the dude to do it. Says alot about "pro porn" don't it?

Now if you've made it to the end of my words and don't want to ever read this blog ever again, I only have two words for you. Fuck and You. I don't write for anyone. I write for me.

Tag me again and you'll REALLY not like the "5 things about me" next time......

Let's whip out the notebook

2007-01-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

I missed my personal Friday deadline to write in this space. I write enough email in a week that sometimes I just don't feel like it. Though you would think that since I deal with enough retardedness in my daily life that I'd be writing a novella every nite. Be that as it may, I do keep notes on the stoopidness that passes in front of my eyes and across my windshield. Here are some of the things I've noticed as of late.

Remember "Rocky"? No no no, not some old clod with bad plastic surgery and wearing more make-up than a coked up Sharon Stone. I'm talking the 1976 "Rocky". It’s a good story about work ethic, family, overcoming the odds, etc. Remember the music? Who the hell can't remember "Eye of the Tiger"? I can still hear it in my head. Fuckin-A :)

Now I can't say I've seen the last installment of this overblown series of crap, but the internets have shown me enough that 30 years of culture evolution has completely messed with soundtracks. Why is it after 30 years that any movie that deals with sports in ANY manner has to have some sort of rap music in it? (I'm hoping "We are Marshall" doesn't, but won't know for months as I do NOT go to the movies) And before you say, hey Groove, XXXX doesn't have any rap in it, that's not my point.

Why does "Rocky Balboa" have to have rap in it? Don't get me wrong, I like to listen to Body Count's "Cop Killer" every now and again. Yeah I bought it when I was a senior in high-school and one track is on a couple of my homemade CDs in the conveyance. Again, not the point. Why is rap music used to convey emotion in sports movies? Oh, did you see the elephant? If you don't see it, I'm not going to point it out.

Let's stick with the sports theme. Do you watch football? Ever play football? I'm not talking about in the park. I'm talking suiting up and putting on a helmet. OK the girls probably didn't. So boys remember way back if you happened to play pop-warner style football that if you didn't have your chinstrap strapped it was a PENALTY? I don't have an issue with that. Let's see, the opposing players want to hurt me. I think I'll strap this bad boy up. Now think about the larger than life violent criminals now playing NFL ball. If you watch alot of football like I do, you'll have noticed the amount of helmets that come flying off week to week. What the fuck? Are these idiots too stupid to snap all the goddamn buckles on their helmet? Duh..... It just cracks me up to see all these wide receivers and star quarterbacks with only 1/2 their gear in check. You know damn well they do it on purpose. Yes, Mr. Barkley you're right and you are not a role model. I just find it very interesting that these knuckle heads are just goading chance to give them a life ending coma.

Have you ever met someone who played their college mascot? I've not met anyone who has. Maybe it has to with the fact that the business I'm in doesn't have boatloads, or zero, communication or English majors nor lots of Greek system folks. And before anyone who knows me chimes in, I'm NOT an English major...... Maybe everyone I work with was too busy studying to waste time on cheerleaders and public events. Which begs the question how does being a mascot shape you for adulthood? I'm pretty sure they're the cheery-type, dipshit, assistant manager at Staples who doesn't know USB from BASF let alone where they keep the ink refills.

I'll finish up today with another elephant in the room. I saw a commercial today for Nike. This has nothing to do with Nike, but I'll be honest, their add campaigns don't sway me in the least and I certainly won't pay more than $40 for tennis shoes. Since it's basketball season the commercial included today's NBA stars walking together like war veterans in silk warm ups across the tarmac. There were 10 players. Ya know, so they could play 5 on 5. The point is this, guess how many white boys there were? One. Steve Nash is now the poster boy/token white guy in the NBA...and he's Canadian....what does that say about the state of basketball in America? Sad really. I don't even watch it when it's in HiDef.

I'll have to collect my thoughts some more before I talk about tolerating intolerance. There is no need to talk about American Idol's trip to Seattle. It spoke for itself :(

Diamonds are a….

2007-01-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

Girls best friend. I know the saying; but every time I see a brotha with gianormous kidney stones hanging from his ears I can't help but think how tarnished the mantra is. (Gee I've digressed a bit already….) The point here is within the last month I was lucky enough to receive a pair of these little rocks myself. Even watched as some giddy 19 year old wearing the "I can see your ass" carpenter pants pierce my other ear so I could wear the set. The mall is really good for one thing anymore, but I have a phallus, so what do I know (digression two).

I received these little buggers on the 1st day of the great 2006 power outage. For whatever reason the better half decided this was the day she HAD to go to the mall and get her shopping done. I'm not going to fault her. I just thought she was nuts. I don't think she was home 10 minutes before I was handed this little box with me thinking WTF did you buy? I'd been wearing this TINY diamond in my left ear for 15 years. Just big enough to be considered a diamond. I liked it that way. Guess she wanted me to upgrade.

Well now I felt like shit. I'd already been done shopping for two weeks (long live the internets). Someone was already getting exactly what she asked for. Doesn't matter what it was; not the point. I couldn't live with myself if my better half had smaller rocks in her ears than I did. I'd gotten her a set way back at the beginning of time when I think I was pulling down $7.50 hour at some shitass job and the diamonds were only twice as big as my tiny spec. It was time to play one-up.

This brings us to mall-shopping for diamonds. I was good. Went on a weekday. Got there before lunch. On my drive there I debated on going to Jared's Galleria of shitholiness. I'm not swayed by TV advertising by any means, but I knew I'd drive right by it. I figured if I entertain myself watching bad B horror flicks this couldn't be any worse and boy I was right. I walk in, I'm dressed in pullover coat and jeans. I'm not two steps in the door and some olderish balding dood with a loud tie accosts me and asks me if he could help me in any way or if I was there looking for something in particular. First word out of my mouth is, "Aloha!" Almost immediately the armed guard goes from looking bored and leaning on the counter to "WTF did he just say!?" What a tool. I was better armed than he was. Whatever.

I mention I'm looking for diamond studs. Olderish, loud-tie dood whisks me over to the diamond studs and hands me off to Stephen. Not Steve. Not Steven. Stephen. I'm asked if I want coffee, cappuccino, tea, soda, croissant, etc. No, no, and no. Stephen is wearing a lovely black silk shirt with a smashing, light-blue tie. His gold chain just popped around his neck and his diamond earrings were to die for. Ok I'll stop; but you get the picture. I don't think my hair ever looks that good. Stopping now. He starts to feel me (NOW YOU STOP) out on what I'm looking for and my almighty price point. To be honest I didn’t want to spend more than about $800 but quickly found I'd not shopped for diamonds in 10 years. Stephen shows me yellow gold earrings, white gold earrings, platinum "LEO" earrings. Ok the Leo shit was very nice and VERY expensive. We're talking diamond earrings people. The crappy zales earrings in MY ears look good. At about this time I notice some young, enlisted guy get waltzed over to the diamond counter. Does he get a fag to help him? OH NO, he gets the leggy blonde. I remember him saying he bought all is girl's jewelry at Jared's. 1. I'm thinking, dood, you can't afford this stuff. 2. She must really fuck like a monkey while you're deployed. 3. What a poor sap (I'm not considering this a digression and it's part of the Jared saga).

At the same time I was hemming, hawing, and reading the certification sheets (yes, I even deciphered quicker than fag-boy), Stephen mentions that any purchase over $1000 can be financed through Jared. I looked at him square in his tanned face and said, "Do I look like I can't afford this?" He didn't know what to say. I loved it. I told him I just didn't feel like parting with >$1500 for earrings I didn't think were worth it. About then I told him thank you for his time. He asked me my name. I faked it. He again told me his name was Stephen, no shit. That was that, but damn did I have fun.

OFF TO THE MALL!

Now THIS mall, which shall remain nameless (think near Seattle, had the lunatic shoot it up a year ago, and had the sista's throw down not a week after this saga took place), is run amok with gang bangers mixed in with slow-shuffling families. It's more fun than the zoo if you enjoy watching life go by and packing heat (THIS is digression three). Now I'd made up my mind that I was going to Gordon's Jewelers first. I've gotten other jewelry there and never came away unhappy. What a fucking mistake. I pony up to the diamond studs and the most hideous old bag decides to help me. I could tell the moment she came over she 'knew' I was a waste of time. Well honey if your diamonds weren't shit I might have made your day. Whatever. She's pulling out the crap and the not so crappy certified crap one set at a time. I'm looking, holding things up to the light, comparing sizes, etc. Then I FREAKED her out. I went to twist out my new diamond to compare sizes. I thought she was going to call the mall police. Needless to say, my crappy zales diamond was nicer than anything they had at the bigger size I wanted. Well that sucked, but the look on her face was priceless.

I wandered the mall watching all the pimps and hos while trying to find a not-so-mallish jewelry store. You have to realize there must be 15 of these deathtraps in the place not including the crap they sell in the department stores. I'm getting to the point that I must head back south and start this hunt over when I stroll past Whitehall Co. I think the only reason I stopped was because they had the 20% off sign where you could see it by walking by and not have to be conned into it. Their studs are right on the outer edge so I don't have to walk in. It must have taken a good MINUTE before anyone bothered (helped) me. I like that. Some non-assuming, this-is-the-only-job-I-can-get-as-I-have-ZERO-skills, 20-something gal asks if I need any help. Well I'm looking closely at the diamond studs darling, what do you think? I didn't, but you get the picture. I start small, working my way up from mid-crap to big crap then onto mid-cert to big-cert. Then I see a pair in the next counter. They looked HUGE, but we're only 3/4 T.W. I love it when I find diamonds cut wide and not tall. I looked at these for over 5 minutes. I compared them to the others I'd been looking at. They weren't 'cheap' but on par with about everything else at 3.4 T.W. I'd looked at that day. She calculates the sale price off the sticker, not "bad", then says she'll take another $100 off. Sold. I know it's a game. She was the first to play it with me, she wins. I just couldn't believe I found certified, 3/4 carat diamonds cut that way. I politely decline their credit and she's off to pack everything up for me.

You'd think this little ditty was over, but NOOOOO. She fucking drops one of the backs onto the carpet behind the counter and can't find it!! She get's help. Can't find it. I finally stretch over the swinging door, scan the floor and find the damn thing in 10 seconds. I'll be damned if she was going to replace the platinum backing with something else. She must have been too busy calculating her commission. Did I mention the no skills part?

Needless to say someone was VERY happy and I just had to share the story.

And I only said "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" three times :)

Believe it or Not,

2007-01-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm Walking on Air.........

Yeah only the greatest amurakin hero would be dumb enough to emulate something they saw on TV. What the fuck is with these kids who think a hanging is something to be tried out back? I always thought it was funny when kids would pretend to be WWF wrestlers, jumping off roofs, etc; but who in their right mind would tie a cord around their neck for fun? I hear the gene pool rising again :)

Speaking of myopic decisions....WTF is wrong with home depot? Level growth gets you a $200M golden parachute? Ya know the real reason why HD sales have leveled off is because of the COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS they hire to wander the aisles not helping people. What is with hiring divorced mothers of 3 and men who don't know a nut from a snow shovel to answer home improvement questions? When I need a 5/16" zinc coated eye bolt, I want to know where the fuck the 5/16" zinc coated eye bolts are. When I want to know the price of a fucking water heater sitting in the aisle why does it take an act of congress and 4 sales people to fucking find out? I stopped going to Lowes when HD got closer....I should waste the gas. Don't even get me started about the fact they only have one fucking register open most of the day.

Randomness

2006-12-30T21:49:00.000-08:00

Being sick and not having a big of dose from my muses as of late has made me listless. I'll get over it here real soon; but as the holidays have lallygagged by, there were a couple things that popped into my head that were not lost in the haze of booze and goofing off....

Why do stupid people die trying to stay warm when the homeless seem to get buy just fine? Maybe the homeless are on to something....

Speaking of homeless. How is it you never see a pregnant homeless woman? At least I never have....

Why does anyone use baking soda in the fridge anymore? We NEVER have done this and our fridge doesn't smell? WTF are you keeping in your fridge that stinks?? Stupid is as stupid does I guess. Then again I know that the elves clean our fridge out once a week. Arm&Hammer: Keeping the Lazy smelling sweet....or at least like baking soda.....

Size 12 is the new size 8. I know this for a couple of reasons. 1. The Mrs. has dropped from a size 14 to a size 6 in certain clothes in less than a year. It's more like a 14/16 to 10/8 but you get the idea. 2. I have gone from a comfortable Medium to "Holy Shit the small is too big!" WTF is with clothes? Oh I know...We're all getting fatter so they made the sizes bigger to make us all feel better. Whatever, I still have T-shirts from High School that fit just fine...

Was at my favorite Mexican joint last nite and wandered over the to boys room on the other side of the building. Is it racist for a mexican restaurant to seat all the mexicans on one side of the place and everyone else on the other??? I thought it was ODD...maybe it's just me. It was the side that was closer to the bar. Fuckers............

From the Department of Complete Rip-offs

2006-12-23T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'll go as far as to say the Mrs. gets her paychecks from a local hospital. When you see media outlets quote the nursing supervisor as someones condition is X, that's her. So as an 'administrator' they get nifty things every now and again. Last year or so were these nice fleece coats with the hospital's logo. NO one has these but the 5 nursing sups. Kinda kewl.

Not this year....With the non-anglos falling like flies to CO poisoning the hospital decided its staff needed something to help them survive the apocalypse. She came home last nite with a stupid looking backpack that says SURVIVAL KIT on the front.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

This thing is such a waste. I won't mention the local survival retailer this was purchased from but I'll say it retails for $185. They're calling it a DEEElux 72 hour survival kit WITH MREs. I should post a link to the 1.575 MILLION dollar bunker they'll build you....not

What strikes you most as you come up on this waste of money is the fact it REEKS of gun oil. I mean it permeates the room! I've had ammo cases smell bad but this beats them hands down. And what do you get in this smelly waste? Let me run down the list.....

(15) Emergency Drinking Water Packets - Right, packets. I see these being spilled everywhere trying to open them. I'd rather drink toilet water. Oh and they expire in 10 months. TEN MONTHS!

(3) MRE Complete Meals - Yeah, can't wait to heat up the veggie burger in bbq sauce. EWW. Some food rations in 9 2" squares. I won't go into the details of the ingredients. It'll definitely be the end of days before I put any of this in my mouth.

(2) Emergency candles - Small. Tea lights would work just as well.

(1) Sierra Cup - Nifty, made in India, oh and you're supposed to be able to heat this over a fire. I might want to get the UPC sticker off the bottom first.

(1) Emergency Poncho - Yeah, like the kind they sell at football games for $10 but it's worth 10 Cents.

(1) Emergency Blanket - The cool silvery kind. Ok, this will go in the conveyance.

(1Bottle) Water Purification Tablets - Well this is cool. 2 pills a quart and there must be 30 tablets in there.

(2) Disposable Hand Warmer - Ok but if I have fire making materials why would I need this?

(1) Canteen - 1 quart - Well if it didn't stink of gun oil......

(1) Gloves - Great. Where are the other 5 pair of these cheap bastards. You know the type, they only come in packs of 5 or 10 pairs?!

(1) Eating Utensils - (fork,knife,spoon) - WTF are these? They fit together and come in a snap packet, oh and reek of gun oil. USELESS.

(1) SunBurst Flashlight - AM - FM Radio - with AC/DC Adapter - Another surprise. I wonder if it actually works (it does). I think it's funny that it's solar powered, being in PNW and all. At least you can hand crank it too.

(1) First Aid Kit - Wow, three band aids, tape, and a needle. Good thing there is duct tape.

(1) Nylon Cord - Cool, parachute cord. About 10 feet I think. Shame I have climbing rope in the garage. Kidding......

(1) Wind & Water Proof Matches - Why? you gave me a lighter?

(1) Tissues - Yeah a cheap no-name brand 25 pack. I needed some in my conveyance.

(1) Roll Toilet Tissue - Roll? My ass it's a roll. There might be 200 sheets there. We'd have it gone after one morning.

(1) Can Opener - GI Type - Yeah, smaller than a razor blade and twice as sharp. What a waste.

(1) Whistle - Ooh wow. Why? I'm not getting raped? (Ok I know why but my penis still wants to know.)

(1) Knife (Swiss Army Type) - Type, yes. Like? not really. I can't wait to break this. It's now in HER car :)

(1) Butane Lighter - Like the kind they give away for free at gas stations.

(1) Roll Duct Tape - Yeah, I've got 3000% more in the garage than what's on this roll.

(2) Waste Bags - Um, if it's the end of the world why would I collect my trash?

(1) Back Pack - Cheap kind. Will rip if you actually strapped it on because all this emergency water weighs about 5 pounds.

Oh and not to mention a catalog and other survivalist advertising. I especially love the CD with survival tips. Um, the power's out dipshit, don't think I'll be listening to this.....

Interestingly enough, I cheated and pulled the item list off the company's website and I noticed we must have received a "custom built" kit as we did not receive the following:

Compass
Magnesium Fire Starter
FM 21-76 U S Army Survival Manual
Pocket Soap
Small Stove & Fuel
Folding Scissors
Light Sticks

Fucking G R A T E great. Don't include the things I could actually fucking use at the beginning of the apocalypse. Typical hospital cheap asses. Wonder if they still paid the full price. Probably!

Though I'm somewhat disappointed as directions for any of the food are only in English and French. Not any of the 5 languages the beloved Seattle Times used in their flier on how to NOT cook BBQ or run generators inside.

I was going to go into what the instructions, yes instructions, for this kit say but my room smells of gun oil, and without any guns lying around right now, this sucks.

Time to go lose this in the garage.

Hey Honey, The Shag Needs a Trim

2006-12-18T14:38:00.000-08:00

I thought about using "And the Award Goes To....," as in Darwin Award, for the title but what's the fun in that.

I'm sure you all heard by now the 1000 year storm wiped the Pacific Northwest off the planet late last week. OK it wasn't that bad but you'd think it was by all the whining and retardedness going on. I won't lay into the numbnuts who ventured out for nothing more than their morning coffee. People stooped down to eating sandwiches from gas stations. It's like the world really did come to an end. It was cool to drive through town at nite when everything was pitch black. I so cannot wait for the apocalypse!

But that's not why I'm laughing. There's nothing like a little diversity to normalcy to clean up our gene pool. Apparently a couple dipshits have died due to carbon monoxide poisoning. They were stupid enough to either 1. use a barbecue grill to heat their home or 2. ran their generator in their home.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Does lack of electricity and heat make people that stupid? Of course not. They were that stupid to begin with. Sad thing is another 100 or so knuckledraggers have racked up my medicare/caid taxes for having to go into the 02 chambers for doing the same thing or running their gas stove for heat etc.... Oh and at least one dumbfuck died in a fire set by candles....You know damn well those of us with insurance or 1/2 a brain had no trouble running our shit OUTSIDE and know how to blow candles out........fuck around people.

But really, at what point does running a 110 decibel motor in the living room seem like a good idea? You might as well bring in the mower and trim the carpet. When is heating the living room with a Weber grill a sound idea? Did the blackened ceiling give you decorating ideas? What I find TOTALLY hilarious is these are the paranoid types to spend the $50 for CO detectors and probably unplugged them when they started to go off. Go Darwin! Go Darwin! It's your birthday!

As the holidays draw near I'm not wishing any souls good will. You try and swipe my power and I'm shooting your ass.

How to determine Homosexuality

2006-12-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

Generally speaking my gaydar works damn well. Admit it, if you didn't know Doogie Howser was gay years ago, you're fooling yourself. But that's not my point here. When is it you see budding fudgepackers in their formative years? Would you see the signs? Tell you what, I'll give you a easy lay-up to understand.

The other day I happened into the video store to pick up some more movies to eye-patch. I ran into my good neighbor (We'll call him Bill). Bill just recently returned from a year stint in the sandbox of hell as he's been serving his country for the past 16 years. I like Bill. He feeds me beer when I cut our neighborhood's greenspace grass. Bill happened to have two children with him. They were NOT his. I came to find out they're his Wife's Friend's kids. She was away for a day and the Wife said Bill and her would take them but of course she went to work on him....

Bill asked me what the heck you do with a Boy, 10, and Girl, 7, to keep them entertained. He kind of had enough already with the hour just spent at the pisshole playland at McD's. I told him you're basically in the right spot. There's nothing better to keep kids entertained than movies. Ok video games work too. Luckily my 'lil miss loves to draw and color me pictures plus 'lil man digs his legos and capsela so it's not ALL electronic babysitting. Mine are about the same age so I knew where he was coming from.

Then from out of nowhere the boy comes up and says to Bill he's ready to go. I inquired as to what his choice was. "Guys and Dolls" from 1955. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK dood! I don't care if Brando and Sinatra are in it. Every drama club from here to Pontiac does that play and it's SOOOOO GAY. I give Bill the "um, what's with that" look. He rolled his eyes in agreement. I told future faggetti it was a little odd for a 10 year old boy to want to see that and he started in on how his auntie or cousin was just in the play and he HAD to see it again.

Yup. there's the confirmation. If it wasn't for the rosy cheeks and sweater vest to give it away....(BTW ever notice how many rosy-cheeked frat boys think a sweater vest and T-shirt is the shit?)....It wasn't he was forced to see it the first time but he wanted to see it AGAIN.

The young lad skittered off to find more movies and Bill mentions this kid does live with his mom and the dad is nowhere to be seen. YA THINK? Fuck around does she have him pissing while seated too? He came back with "Rikki-Tivvi-Tavi" in his hand. I said that was somewhat age inappropriate for him as well but let it go as it is a good flick and doesn't lend to the tossing salad types. I tried to get him to pick up something like "McLintock!" or "The Last Boy Scout" but he would have none of it. What young lad wouldn't benefit from seeing The Duke spank the heck out of Maureen O'Hara, oh and not to mention a young Stephanie Powers.....Yowzers! That'll take the gay right off.

As I reflected on the encounter later that day, I just couldn't get over the fact that the poor kid is growing up a gay pussy and it's all his mother fault. I guess it's one less pecker my boy has to compete with later :)

Take heed Moms, if you raise a pussy it's your own damn fault. I don't care how many cooking tips he'll give you. It doesn't outweigh the fact he'll want to marry a plumber.

Now Serving Number 78

2006-12-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Following up from the last installment I'd thought I'd share the ineptitude of certain people. I've been known to go out and tie one on every now and again and last nite was no different. I went down to my local dive for some draughts. Place was about 1/2 full of twenty-something hilljacks and the forty-something blue-collars sucking down overpriced well drinks. No bother, just wanted to suck a few back and watch whatever was on ESPN. What was I thinking?

I pony up to the bar and wait about 5 minutes before the fat cow behind it notices me. I order a pitcher of lite whatever and wait and wait and wait. She then comes back and wants to see my ID. Then she asks if I've shown it to her before (not going down the "I doubt you'll ever see my pecker" joke). I say yes as she walks away not even checking my ID. Couple minutes later I finally get my pitcher and she still wants to see my ID. Fine. Then she forgets one other little piece of hardware I might need to enjoy this. A fucking glass. OMFG. Couple minutes later I finally pipe up about it and she's like oops... Oops? Fuck A-around.

So about forty-five minutes later I've had my fill. I had originally given her my mastercard to start a tab thinking I'd stay awhile....yeah right. So sitting there with an empty glass and empty pitcher I wait, and wait, and wait. Finally about 10 minutes later she strolls up and asks if I want another draft. Hello, I'm drinking pitchers! Needless to say I said I was ready to pay up. She then is like did you give me a card? At this point I don't even want to wait for her to ring it up. Got my card back and slapped $8 down and left.

WHAT THE FUCK? Now granted this fat slor lost her tip in the beginning but could it have hurt to even TRY to make up for it? This is the kind of sow that thinks that by wearing a belt around her girth it gives the appearance of a waist. No honey, You'll need to drop about 85 pounds before we even begin to see one of those. Keep buying the junk jewelry, you're going to need it.

Take a Number

2006-11-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

Why are some of our fellow humans such a waste of water, carbon, and gray matter? Why do these cum-sucking gutter-sluts and self-important nabiscos think that whenever they make a request that EVERYONE within earshot, emailreach, or the world for that matter drop everything they're doing and placate them? Why is it these ninnys end up being the middle-managers of the world? Do degree collectors really believe the whole of humanity wants to be micro-managed like a Steven Covey convention? These are the same numbnuts who think they can drive, order a $5 coffee, and talk on their mobiles at the same time. Ever see one of these dipshits try and navigate a roundabout or merge onto the Highway??

Fuck me, I want to gun them all down like toy army soldiers. Wanna Help?

freedom of speech has it's limitations

2006-11-21T07:48:00.000-08:00

Everyone is so damn sensitive. I mean really.

Call a woman a bitch and she just looks at you. Whatever. But call her a cunt and you might as well forget about even trying to explain. It's over.

And then there's n-----. It's okay for blacks to throw the word around among each other. But God forbid someone of any other race use the word n-----. Apparently Michael Richards found out just what happens when you utter it to black people... in a crowded room... during a comedy routine. And they're the ones who started the shit anyway. Sheesh!

Insomnia

2006-11-21T03:01:00.000-08:00

Why do grown adults...Wait...grown adults? You know any ungrown adults? Midgets maybe? Adults are full grown right? Ok I'm short, but does that make me ungrown? Whatever....back to regularly scheduled programing.

It's 3.5 hours till wall street opens. Just think of all the little 'a' american psycho's that are up preening for the new day.

idiots.

I hate god

2006-11-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Ya know god's little joke on guys is the morning hard-on right? Get up, try to pee and have to bend over like a Cirque du Soleil clown to hit the damn toilet...yeah keep laughing until you have to clean it up....

So do you know what the other one is? It's the post-cum bend/bullet.

It's a combo really.

1. If he was lazy enough to never get up/clean up after, he'll have a .26 caliber bullet to get rid of about an hour later. And if it don't come flying out of there behind the pressure of a midnight/morning pee, it'll create two ghostbuster streams of diaster. Hell if he's a moron he'll bend over to look at it wondering why his hose don't work and fucking spray all over the lid.

2. If he does get up, there'll be no bullet, just old softy aiming wherever it wants. Never straight down like normal. Him and his friend are all relaxed so he doesn't pay attention to anything but getting the seat up. Then WTF!? Why are we pointed ESE? Dammit now I gotta wipe down the scale. Hurry before she notices......

And you wonder why guys won't clean toilets? HELLO?

more fucking stoopid shit

2006-11-18T09:40:00.000-08:00

The Myth of Bad Words

Twooo Doods....

2006-11-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

I just remember a Richard Pryor Joke with him saying THE TWO DOODs.....

Ya know how people say "he's a brick short of a load"? Or a couple beers short of a six pack?

How about instead we start saying she's "Two Clowns short of a Circus"?

It's actually supposed to be a 'few' clowns short of a circus. But why a few? That makes no sense to me. Two gives it depth, the exact twoness; it's TWO clowns short of a circus, not a few clowns.

I mean really, a few? Fuck-a-few, how many is a few? Is she supposed to be really dumb or not so much dumb. Is the joke supposed to be really funny or not? Few is more than a couple and less than a gaggle, pick a number dumas! It's just not funny to me except with two.

And bonus points if you can point out the few irony...

Oh the Huge Manatee!!

2006-11-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Ok...there's one pun.....Now say Whale Oil Beef Hooked as fast as you can.

Are you fucked too?

Jesus!

2006-11-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

This is too funny. Somebody (ok it's denZEL) calling Jimmy C. His almightyness in another motion picuture.

Here

oink oink

2006-10-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

Truck Spills 2 Tons of Pig Heads on Road
By Associated Press

BERLIN - A truck spilled two tons of pigs' heads on a road in western Germany, giving passing drivers a shock on the night before Halloween, police said Tuesday.

The accident happened Monday night after the truck turned off a highway in Herne, in the Ruhr region, police in Bochum said.

As the driver accelerated away from a traffic light, the door of his trailer opened, spilling the severed heads onto the road.

It took the fire service, helped by a fork-lift truck, an hour-and-a-half to load the heads back onto the truck.

this one's just too good not to share

2006-08-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

Your Outrageous Name is:

Enorma Sass

Outrageous Name Generator

2006-07-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

Found this site on another site. Couldn't resist looking up a few and sharing.

Assclown

Dumbass

Fucktard

and my personal favorite

Tool

that's a great....um....what is that?

2006-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

You've all been there. Get a picture from your child, tell him/her what a great 'whateveryouthinkitlookslike' is and the child says, "No... it's a 'whateverthehellitwasthattheyweretryingtodraw'".

Can you identify with any of these http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule?

EVIL

2006-06-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

You Are 92% Evil

You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

my new favorite quote

2006-06-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"

-found on Drew Curtis' Fark.com as a description for some stupid quotes

father's day is coming

2006-06-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

don't forget that special man in your life.... get him what he's always wanted

another stoopid WA law

2006-05-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.rgtonline.com/Article.cfm?ArticleId=64810&CategoryName=Gaming%20Strategies

legalized beastiality

2006-05-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Dutch don't know they can just move to WA and enjoy legalized beastiality. Instead, they 're devoting an entire political campaign (complete with launching a new political party) to legalize it, along with lowering the age of consent to 12. Why reinvent the wheel??

Of particular note, how is it that "82 percent wanted the government to do something to stop the new party, while 67 percent said promoting pedophilia should be illegal"? 1 + 1 = 2 last time I went to school.

driving miss daisy my ass

2006-05-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

racing around grand prix raceway avoiding getting slammed into the wall, or spinning out, is a hell of a lot more than miss daisy ever dreamed about

just because there were evil competitive streaks oozing out of every testosterone filled crevice of my competitors doesn't make my driving old ladyish... even when being rammed from all sides

sheesh

GameShow Crap

2006-05-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ok...What is it about game shows.

Old people only watch game shows, right?

Old People vote conservative right?

I find it VERY interesting that the 3 times I've watched "Deal or No Fucking Deal" they've had a military wife on with a vidsat to her husband in Iraq (Fuck you, you miscreants...I'm not dogging that).

It makes for painful television. Hot military wives (what you think they put the cows on?) and their boys on a tv screen. Painful. The IQ of the both of them is directly proportional to how many cases she has left.....

whatever...it's tuesday...what else is on?

Hockey is waiting on Edmonton to Kick SJC's ass.... :)

argh

2006-05-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

and so the vicious circle continues.... blogging elsewhere will be nil since the shit hit the fan

what fucking ever

freakin' solicitors

2006-05-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

Everybody's got a cause anymore. Since when does saying NO mean "keep telling me about it, and then try to talk to my kid"? I don't care what you're selling! I don't want whatever you're trying to hand me!! And I sure as HELL don't want you bugging my kid!!! Fuck you. Go peddle your shit on someone who's stupid enough to stop and see what the fuck you're wasting time manning a table in front of the grocery store for. Just leave me alone.

I hate stupid people

2006-05-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Why. Just Why do people have to be so stupid. That dumb ugly blue hair who gives me shit about showing ID....she SMELLS LIKE OLD LADY from like 6 feet away....fuck around

so.......where's the evil?

2006-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

i know i saw it earlier........ is it lost again?

Well....I'm here

2006-04-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Fuck You.

This is NOT a good idea ;)

here ya go

2006-04-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

say what u like